Well, I guess it's technically June 3rd now, but whatever 
You're only human, you supposed to make mistakes -- Billy Joel
Are we determined faultfinders? It may be easy for us to point fingers at others or to cite instances of wrongdoing. It also may be easy for us to misinterpret another's actions, twist words or make something seem totally opposite to the truth.
Everyone makes mistakes, including us. But somewhere along the path of our growth, we learned we could defend ourselves if we were judge and jury. So we took a defensive stance, clinging to our battle stations as we weathered school, family, relationships and careers.
We don't have to be so ready to makeourselves blameless and faultless. We can disband our courts of law at any time. But when we do, we will be admitting to ourselves and the people in our lives that we are only human. When we, too, can see ourselves as human, we'll no longer li=ook at life as a battlefield but as a classroom where everyone is both teacher and student.
I can see myself as human and accept that no human being is blameless.
---
I take issue with tonight's meditation. Yes, I am guilty of blaming others, playing judge and jury. But for the most part, I blame myself. Anything bad that happens, I blame it on myself, even if it isn't my fault. Even if it isn't anyone's fault. For example, I admitted to a good friend that I really liked him (in a romantic way) and he basically shot me down. He said that he wasn't in a place right now where he could be in a relationship because his life is so unstable. Instead of taking it at face value and moving on, I freaked out. I told him that the one thing he could do to make me feel better was to tell me that I wasn't what he wanted, that I wasn't good enough for him. Needless to say, he got pretty angry & wouldn't say it. He said that friends don't lie to each other, and he wasn't going to lie to me to make me feel better. He also said that he knew I would use that to validate what I've been told by other people, and he wasn't going to help me put myself down.
I don't know, maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone else, but it makes sense in my head. In the situation, there wasn't anyone to blame; he isn't a place right now where it would be good for him to be in a relationship. Instead of taking it at face value, I put the blame on myself, saying that it was me, that I he just didn't want to have a relationship with me. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not, but I'm going to take what he said at face value and not read into it.
I'm just so used to taking the blame for everything. In my relationship with my ex, he told me that I was the reason our relationship was falling apart, and I agreed with him. I felt like it was my fault. In reality, it was falling apart because he was trying to F**k my (ex) best friend of 18 years.
Basically, I'm not used to someone else taking the blame. I'm not used to a situation where there isn't someone to blame. The only thing I know is to somehow find a way to blame myself; to somehow make it my fault. Because if I can say, "I f**ked up, I'm not good enough", then I know how to react, I know what to do.
It pissed me off so much that he wouldn't tell me that. All I wanted him to tell me was that I wasn't what he wanted and that I wasn't good enough for him. Because I needed to be able to put the blame on myself or else it was too painful. I just wanted to hear him say that. That way, it would validate what everyone else has told me. Even though it sounds bass-ackwards, it would've made me feel better. I've gotten so used to hearing that I'm a failure, not good enough, it's my fault, etc. that it's easier to hear. I know how to react.
I'm a masochist. An episode of CSI comes to mind. Nick and Ray are talking, after a case involving a young girl (Taylor Swift) who was murdered. Nick feels like it's his fault she dies. This is the following conversation between him and Ray:
Langston: You alright?
Nick : She didn't have to die, Ray.
Langston : You're right, she didn't have to die. ... You aren't beating yourself up about this, are you?
Nick : If I could've figured out what was goin' on in Tana Carrow's murder sooner, then Nicole Jones would've been locked up. Haley would still be alive.
Langston : I knew you were a fellow masochist. Tell me what your favorite form of self-Langston: You alright?
Nick: She didn't have to die, Ray.
Langston: You're right, she didn't have to die. ... You aren't beating yourself up about this, are you?
Nick: If I could've figured out what was goin' on in Tana Carrow's murder sooner, then Nicole Jones would've been locked up. Haley would still be alive.
Langston: I knew you were a fellow masochist. Tell me what your favorite form of Langston: You alright?
Nick: She didn't have to die, Ray.
Langston: You're right, she didn't have to die. ... You aren't beating yourself up about this, are you?
Nick: If I could've figured out what was goin' on in Tana Carrow's murder sooner, then Nicole Jones would've been locked up. Haley would still be alive.
Langston: I knew you were a fellow masochist. Tell me what your favorite form of self-flagellation is? I'll tell you what I like to do, get on the internet, go on a website, movie site, find my favorite movie of the moment. And then I like to read all the comments telling me why I'm wrong, have such terrible taste and when I really can't sleep, I like to sculpt orchids because it's the only thing that will silence the voices in my head.
Nick: But tonight, there's only one voice, ... (starts to cry) and she keeps asking me 'What happened, what happened?'
Ray: What happened is a young girl died because of events that were set in motion long before she was ever born. It doesn't make it feel any better does it? You know Nick, everyone keeps telling me what this job isn't. How you feel right now, tells me what it is. I'm so sorry, Nick.
Nick: But tonight, there's only one voice, ... (starts to cry) and she keeps asking me 'What happened, what happened?'
Ray: What happened is a young girl died because of events that were set in motion long before she was ever born. It doesn't make it feel any better does it? You know Nick, everyone keeps telling me what this job isn't. How you feel right now, tells me what it is.
Nick : But tonight, there's only one voice, ... (starts to cry) and she keeps asking me 'What happened, what happened?'
Ray : What happened is a young girl died because of events that were set in motion long before she was ever born. It doesn't make it feel any better does it? You know Nick, everyone keeps telling me what this job isn't. How you feel right now, tells me what it is. I'm so sorry, Nick.
That's kind of how I am. I'm always beating myself up over the littlest, stupidest things. And it makes me feel better to hear that I'm worthless, stupid, not good enough, wrong, bad, etc. because it's what I'm used to. I haven't ever had a guy that hasn't not told me that. And eventually, if you hear something long enough, you begin to believe it.
So I don't know that I really agree with this meditation (at least not for me personally). Yes, I blame others, I won't lie. But for the most part, I blame myself. I beat myself up. I don't do it to make myself look better. Far from it. It'd be a lot easier to blame others. I do it because it's what I'm used to, it's what I'm comfortable with. When my friend wouldn't tell me that I wasn't what he wanted, that I wasn't good enough, I was pissed. But he was pissed too. I was pissed because him telling me that would've made me feel better. It would've comforted me. It would've validated all the things that every other guy in my life has told me. He was pissed because he felt like I was asking him to lie to me, and even if it made me feel better, he was still lying to me, and friends don't lie to each other. My rationale was that I wasn't asking him to tell me I was his dream girl, that I was drop-dead gorgeous, etc. Far from it. I was just asking him to tell me that I'm not what he wanted, that I'm not good enough. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't do it. I mean, we tell white lies all the time to make people feel better. My friend could ask me if I like her outfit and even if it's hideous, I'll tell her it looks ok, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. Same situation, I felt like he could've told me a white lie to make me feel better, but he was absolutely not going to tell me that.
I am a masochist. I don't know what my form of self-flagellation is. I have some ideas, but nothing concrete. I guess that always taking the blame, always beating myself up, putting myself down, that could be a form of self-flagellation.
I don't know, at this point, I'm just rambling in an Ambien-induced haze. It's time to go to bed. Sorry if this made NO sense to anyone. At the very least, it made sense to me, in my head.
Hope everyone has a good day tomorrow!
Much love!
~Missy
