In my throws with ptsd I found myself staring at more trauma than I bargained for. Dating back many years. The first time I used when I was 11...I was in an awful place and I was suffering from ptsd but never knew it. I didn't have a name for it. I knew something was wrong. So hand in hand went the two. Addiction and Trauma. I medicated it myself for many years. I've been slipping up here and there. But not a full fledged type relapse. Each day is new and symptoms ease or hurt depending on my triggers which I avoid faithfully. I have isolated myself. I am very very alone. I'm afraid I may overwelm people or harm my friendships further. I can't face people at all lately. I do but I retreat quickly or try to avoid them. If they push in ...I kick them out. I want friends but I'm sure they dont want me right now. I can't go to meetings. It's impossible. I have no help with my disabled daughter. Meetings were hard for me anyway. i found myself triggered or unable to express myself fully. The steps were useful tho. I dont know...I was looking at my life in the long run and it scared me. i just need to take one day at a time....and with that I pass.... ~Ruby
