I just finished reading Get Me Out of Here My Recovery from Boarderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reitan. Half-way through the book I became enraged. This was my life. These were my thoughts. Her childhood was my childhood. Ooooh! I have been feeling a lot of hatred toward my mother in recent years (we're estranged), but now I felt violent toward her. I thought of every horrible thing I endured from her as a child and an adolescent. About how our roles reversed as I grew into adulthood. I didn't even get a chance to be "normal."
I'm not sure how to articulate what else is on my mind right now. These thoughts that have kept me company through the years, the caustic reactions to seemingly benign acts of others, the obsessed thinking, the enmeshment between friends/lovers, the fear of smothering people with my needs so I hold myself back almost completely--I thought everyone felt like that, I didn't know those were the trademark behaviors associated with bpd. I am thankful that I never resorted to self-destruction / destructive behavior (with the exception of binge eating, but when you love to cook as much as I do, sometimes the over eating isn't about emotions as it really is about trying a little of everything which is why I typically don't go to buffets, but I digress).
After my rage ebbed, I was able to finish the book. It was a cathartic experience in that it gave voice to feelings that I couldn't have described before. In a way it was like reading a map of where you are when you are totally lost, but don't know it. I could see where I was, where I am, and the paths to get to where I want to be. I realized that a lot of how I behave isn't "healthy," but that I am not alone. Someone else out there thinks (or used to think) like I do. Granted, she was really messed up at the time, but just knowing I wasn't alone made me feel better. It was like having my feelings acknowledged.
There, now that is off my chest, though I haven't really made a dent in my emotions. But maybe with the space created by putting this out there, other thoughts and feelings will have a chance to float to the surface for my inspection.
Ta Ta for now
