For some reason, I just got really sad all of the sudden.
It probably has something to do with the fact that I got about 5 hours of sleep last night, and I tend to get depressed when I'm exhausted.
It probably also has something to do with the fact that I've been home since 2pm today and had to watch the Jayhawks get their asses kicked by Mizzou while I did six sections of online math homework.
Don't get me wrong, it was a good day. I had a great Thanksgiving, got to see my Dad, stepmom and all of her family. Had a very laid-back Thanksgiving, just kind of hung out and took it easy. We played Balderdash at my stepmom's parent's house last night and I had so much fun. I laughed so hard last night, I honestly don't remember the last time I laughed like I did last night. I also got to spend time with my little cousins (they're 4 & 6) and my god they are adorable! I don't want my own kids, but I love those little girls. They kept asking me to play with them, play dress-up, read to them, watch movies with them, etc. Kaylen (the 4-year-old) is very shy and is very picky about people. Last time I saw her, she wouldn't hug me or talk to me, but this time she left me braid her hair, she'd sit on my lap when we watched movies, she gave me hugs and drew me pictures. I also got a video of her singing songs from "Grease" and some Taylor Swift songs. She's such a a good singer for only being 4 years old!
I came home this morning and I got to see my 91-year-old great grandma, whom I hadn't gotten to see in at least a year or two, possibly longer. We took her to Kohls so she could pick out some birthday presents for herself (she just celebrated her 91st birthday) and then stopped by Sonic to get a drink. It was really great to get to see her and spend time with her, but it kinda made me sad. It shouldn't, that's the weird thing. She's 91 but she's doing amazing! She still lives on her own, does her own grocery shopping, is really healthy, etc. She doesn't get a whole lot of outside help when it comes to taking care of herself. I guess it just makes me sad because she's the last great-grandparent I have. When I was younger, I didn't really appreciate that, but now that I'm getting older (and she's getting older), the mortality of the whole situation has kind of hit me. I realized today that she won't be around forever and that I need to be grateful for every day that I get to spend time with her or talk with her. We didn't use to be very close when I was younger, but after today I feel so much closer to her and wish I had spent more time with her when I was younger.
I guess I'm just stressed out too because of school. I still have two online chapters to do for my math homework, I have 10 sections to do online for my applied behavioral sciences class, I have three papers to write for my abnormal psychology class (two of them are 8 pages, one of them is 2 pages) and I have two tests to make up (math and ABSC). I think I'm losing my mind...anyone care to help me find it?
I've also been really upset because I gained 2lbs over Thanksgiving. I had been doing so well and I screwed up and ate a bunch on Thanksgiving. Couldn't purge/get rid of it (I was staying at my step aunt & uncle's house), so I ended up gaining weight. Guess I'll need to start over and try and lose the weight. I just want to get down to 130lbs...that's my goal. At least for now.
I'm just feeling sad and agitated right now (hey, it's a miracle, I can actually identify how I'm feeling right now!). I'm feeling really antsy (probably from being in the house for almost 9 hours straight). I'm having these crazy-intense urges to cut or drink. I'm also having crazy-intense urges to purge or go exercise like crazy until I lose those 2lbs that I gained over Thanksgiving. This sucks, because it's 10:45pm and I can't even call my therapist. Don't really have anyone to call.
I wish I could go to a meeting right now. The last meeting I went to was last Sunday. I kept meaning to go all week and it just never happened. I'm regretting that now. At the very least, I know I won't drink or do drugs tonight. As for the cutting...I have no idea. At least when I can cut or starve, I feel some sense of control over my life. Seeing as how I haven't cut and I screwed up and let myself binge (w/o purging) on Thanksgiving, I feel like I have no control right now.
Yeah, I realize I sound like a psycho. I'm very aware of that. But it's whatever. I just need to get this stuff off my chest before I explode. Not like I have anyone I can really talk to, so I guess it's better to blog it out rather than act it out...
Anyway, I guess if y'all could just keep me in your thoughts/prayers, I'd really appreciate it. I'm trying to find my way, I'm trying to do what's right, but it's hard. I need a little help along the way, a little guidance.
Hope you guys have a good rest of the night and a good Sunday! *hugs*
Tags: Sad Agitated Antsy Depressed Anxious Fighting Not To Relapse
