I am currently being challenged by a new friend to better myself. To become a better person. To live a better life. I am grown and I need to act like a woman no more acting like a little girl.
He doesnt want to become attached to me but we are already growing close. He wants to better himself and he is. I want to better myself and we like to talk about what is going on.
It will be a challenge to be stay nice to him but I want to more than anything to not treat him wrong.
He is working the steps. He is a great example.
I am going to be nice. I am going to treat him and myself how I want to be treated.
I will.
I am growing.
I have had nearly 40 days without substances. That is a good thing. I am good. I am ready to live. Now it is time to deal with all of my issues.
I guess maybe in therapy.
I think that would be a good idea.
Therapy.
I always find the wrong therapists. The last one scolded me for my belief of fasting.
People have been fasting for years and it helps your health if done correctly.
www.braggs.com
is a good website about healthy things.
I am doing well. Still in transition mode.
I miss my ex boyfriend. I do. I dont miss him persay. I just want closure. I want us to sit down and talk and be like
O.k. we both worked together to make this crappy relationship last 3 years. I forgive you. Please forgive me. Please say hello if you see me around town and that is all.
That is all that I want from him. Nothing more. I am still holding on to some of the pain that I let him cause me but I really need to let it go.
It is only hurting me.
I know once I get through it and really move on that he will come and talk to me and give me closure.
We didnt have any closure when it ended. He told me "good luck with the other guy, if it doesnt work out with him you cant come back to me"
I shut his car door and I didnt see him for exactly 6 months.........six months to the day.
I ran into him and his new girlfriend at Saturday market. I yelled his name and he ignored me.
He was scared.
I was scared.
I think he might of been using before we broke up. He was emontionally vacant the entire 3 months before it was over.
I stayed way longer than I should have.
Funny how that works somehow.
Alanon would be a good place for me as well. I know it is.
My parents had a codependant relationship. My dad was and still is the alcoholic and my mom was the enabler and all of us kids did whatever we could to maintain any kind of order that we could.
Part of that meant not feeling our feelings. We swayed back and forth with the emotions of everyone else.
Now that I am sober. Now that I am an adult. Now that I am ready I am going to learn how to feel what I feel.
Being a cancer I am oversensitive anyways but I have never really been completely sensitive to my own needs.
From this day on I will think about what I need and what I want and voice it.
I will not be selfish and not worry about other people but I will take care of myself and not expect anyone to do anything for me. To save me.
I am having a good day.
Have a show tonight. I am happy to be sober. I am happy to be alive. I have a new friend and I get to deal with new feelings on life and things.
I am ready to move forward. I know I have a lot to deal with but I plan to surround myself with positive people who make me happy and stay positive and that is all I can really do.
I hope that all of you are well!!!
