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Assertive Amends??

Posted On 09/18/2009 12:08:06 by byGrace

Cara's recent blogs and some recent personal experiences have begun to push me towards some unusual conclusions. They are unusual for me, at least, and that is why I am wondering if they are truly valid, since obviously some of my thinking needs to be changed - that's part of the recovery process.

So I have been thinking about and trying to begin for a while now to work through steps 8 and 9 - the steps of making amends. My understanding of how this would usually work is that I would go around to people and apologize for things that I did that were wrong and hurtful and destructive, pay back money, time and things that I might have taken inappropriately, tell people that I appreciate and love them in cases that I have failed to do that in the past and in general try to make it right with those in my present and past. And I have been doing some of that.

But as I think about how to make amends in certain cases, there seem to be some other scenarios. One aspect of my addictive behaviors and my own immaturity was to look up to certain people for traits that I didn't think that I had in my life, but wanted, and emulate them and their bad behaviors. And in such cases, it seems to me that to make amends in these cases the proper thing to do would not be an apology, but instead to be the leader that I should have been, rather than the follower. In effect, by following them and/or not having the proper response around them for their negative or dysfunctional behaviors then I was encouraging them in their behaviors. And by that I was then encouraging in some sense their own self-destructiveness. This sounds, of course, a lot like co-dependency, and so I guess the question would be what the amends for a co-dependent would be like. Right now it is seeming that my amends should be to stand up for what is right - not in a belligerent or hateful manner, but in a calm, self-assured manner (and loving manner, if I can get what that truly means in such a situation). It means to begin to do the right thing, begin to react in a healthy way and be assertive when I am standing for what is right instead of try to back down just to keep the peace. This feels a little un-natural for me. But that is probably a good thing, as for too long, the addictive behaviors that seemed to be "natural" to me were (sometimes very) self-destructive. But if this is my new approach, it is going to take some time and getting used to.

Feedback is most welcome.

Tags: Step 8 9

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Viewing 1 - 3 out of 3 Comments

From: Nia

09/19/2009 08:49:54

I initally had quite a list from my 4th and 5th step. My sponsor helped me see

some of the places I had erred that I did not see- my defects and shortcomings

helped clarify too... Then she plunked me at the top of my list and that gave

'became willing' new meaning!

My Higher power often redirected my heart toward people who weren't

tops on My list...Showed me how to make more memorable ammends in some

cases - it really was a wonderous experience.

Where I had anticipated difficulties- many were washed away- so I found as with the

4th, that most projected fears were groundless! be diligent- you will be amazed!

Nia

From: Philip

09/19/2009 00:22:49

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Step 9 is another one of the 12 steps, that initially appears most difficult, but the rewards of putting this principle into practice can be immense. The spiritual principle involved is that of forgiveness, not only from others, but forgiveness of self, which can bring healing to both parties.

But those making the amends find many times that the person to whom they have harmed is more than willing to accept those amends happily -- and a healing process begins not only in the relationship, but in each individual. This is not always the case, however. Sometimes the injured party is not willing to forgive and forget. Regardless, spiritual progress for those in recovery depends upon doing their part right and making direct amends.

This step does carry a condition -- except when to do so would injure them or others. If the act of making amends will open old wounds or create new harm, then making direct amends should be avoided. The benefit of making amends to the recovering person does not outweigh the need to do no more harm.

Making amends may seem like a bitter pill to swallow, but for those serious about recovery it can be good medicine for the spirit and soul.

From: KeithB

09/18/2009 12:41:06 The key, as I believe it, is to square things up with people who at this time, still occupy negative space in your head. It is a selfish step done just for you, to remove guilt you are carrying that will impede your future life and personal serenity. I know of no how to manual, let your HP be your guide and just do it!

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