Hey friends! Once again I relapsed...it started out as it always does...I felt the need for relief so i bought some pot and was couped up for about a week in my apartment getting high 4-5 times a day...then i found someone with vicodin...then two days ago i bought a fifth of vodka and a 12 pack of beer...the next morning i woke up at 7am and threw up untill 11pm, it was horrible. I was stressed about some test results...I have had pre-cancerous cells in my cervix and i went to get a check up on that...then they called me to come in to talk with the doctor, i got all worked up about that, and all they had to tell me was they didnt do the test right so i need to go back in 6 months...but im switching dr.s so they can get it right this time. I would have been celebrating 3 months in a couple days, but today I am celebrating 24hours. I am gearing up for my second year at WIU...I am a bit devastated that I am still in the midst of my addiction...because I origanally got sober 2 years ago so i could go to college and now ive been here for a little over a year and i feel like im in worse shape than when i started. I want to be sober so bad, and i know i can do it...i just need to learn how to cope with life's stress. I never learned how to deal and manage stress...since i started drinking at the age of 12...i still feel like that 12 year old inside. I am dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression lately, i just feel so much pain on the inside. I am on antidepressants but i think when i started useing it messed up my chemicals. I have been going to AA religiously but i feel like i need more help...i do see a councelor every week that the university provides for free, but i just think i need more direction and guidance. This summer has been tough for me...lots of changes...i wrote about that in my last blog...it is still hard, and i feel like ive let my family down with losing my position at the school, and my dad is still job searching. I feel like i take on all of my families worries and i just feel weighed down...my mom is an alcoholic and i worry about her, and my brother has been ill for a while now with candida...a yeast problem...i need to find healthy relief and I know i should be working out and doing healthy stuff...i just need some motivation i guess...i want to stop merely surviving and actually live the life gods given me.
thanks for reading! Suggestions would be appreciated!!!
Katie
Happy 24 hrs. Glad you got back up. You do have a lot on your plate. Like me. We just got different "sides" but nevertheless, full plates. I struggle with things in my life. some things that I let bother me is really nothing compared to a lot of folk. I try to count my blessings but it always seems that something else comes about so I just holla at The Lord about it and then I have to leave it alone because I know that while I'm ttrying to figure it out, He's already worked it out. Pray. Don't worry. I don't know if I'm helpin' any. After reading, I just thought I should say "HI."