Well, it has been quite a while since I last checked in on this site. I have many excuses, none of which are good enough. My recovery is going similarly. In the last two weeks I have only done two meetings a week, I've forgotten to read my Just For Today more times than I remembered and I haven't been hanging out with my NA friends.
I seem to think that I am fine. I don't think I really am as I have gone back to starving myself. Am I in denial about my eating disorder when I can see the signs of my denial? Maybe I can see how I would think others see this denial, but even when I see this I have many reasons why I don't have a problem with food. My first line of defence is that even though I have the thought patterns of anorexia, am starving myself, am obsessed with losing weight and I had severe anorexia before, medically I am not anorexic as I still have my periods and my BMI (body mass index) is 18.2, medically one's BMI has to be 17.5 to be diagnosed as anorexic. Thus I still see myself as FAT. Thus I am not anorexic. I am definitely not bulumic either since I don't binge and purge. I don't compulsively overeat. I So I tell myself that I don't have any of those three eating disorders (I'm not aware of any others) so I just have a bit of disordered eating now and then.
As I become more obsessed with eating and gym, the more fearfull I get. The more I isolate. People and things are getting in the way of this. Things like seeing my parents, spending time with my boyfriend and going to meetings. These things are disruptive where my obsession with my weight is concerned. Powerless and unmanageability maybe? But my mind tells me that I made the choice to put this first. And since it was a choice it means that I used my personal power to come to this, thus eliminating powerlessness. I feel that I am not out of control (except when I do eat, like this weekend). I know what I am doing. Insanity? All these sentences may seen insane to others, but to me it all makes perfect sense. I see what I am doing as a way of coping with things. A good, controlled way of coping that benefits me. Handing it over? There is no way that I will hand over the control that I am exercising at the moment! So I just looked at the first three steps in an extremely warped way.
I'll be off on holiday next week, to the Victoria Waterfalls. Stress!! How can be with my family and not eat!?? The obsession has become quite advanced...
Tags: Angry
