I have been away from you all, my new friends in recovery. My sponsor had me write this letter to God which says it all.
Dear God,
I dont know why I feel you should be upset with me. But I have that feeling. I know in my head you love me more than anyone does, but my heart and my gut isn't getting that message. What sounds (insanely) reasonable to me is that I do something really spectacular and self sacrificing to earn your love, but I know your grace doesn't require it. What I come up with is that I need to do something to convince myself that I deserve your love....but just as I typed that in I realized I cant ever earn and I will never deserve your love. So help me feel and beleive the reality of your grace. Help me please, God, to see myself as you see me, and to accept your undying, unfailing love for me. Help me to see that I am not such a bad person or that it doesn't matter that I have flaws, or I cant keep even a week of abstinence strung together, or that I make stupid bad choices. Please help me take care of myself and not feel like I am failing all the time. And thank you for all of your blessings. They are sooooo many, and I forget to look at that. Just the abundance of blessings alone ought to tell me I should feel your unconditional love, so please, God help me have gratitude, too. I know in my head you really love me just the way I am, so please help me feel it too...if it is your will.
Your child, Nancy
Sometimes starting over is the only way I can conceive of to feel clean again. Then I heard someone share in a meeting that they never start over, just accept what happens and keep on going. My heart sank. I am still processing that. I could always say that "what works for one may not for the other", but there must be a reason I was so taken with that idea. I have called my friend who shared in the meeting and I will talk to him more about it. Apparently it was an idea he picked up from some speakers at a retreat.
So I will cruise around the site here and re-connect with some of my friends....feeling very humble...AND grateful.
Love to you all...
Nancy
Tags: 10th
