FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
Got this great reading today from Hazelden, and boy did it hit home!
I only wish that I had “got it” as it relates to my mother by the time I was 35. Man, she, and a few select other very close to me, knew exactly what buttons to push. I’ve learned that it was I who allowed them to be pushed, and it took a lot of step work along with outside help for me to make real progress.
Today, I am acutely aware that it is me who pushes my own negative buttons. I am responsible for how I deal with things on the inside. Hazelden:

I was 35 years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. . .I didn't have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honour myself, and still care about my mother - the way I wanted to - the way she wanted me to.
--Anonymous

Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides family members, do we give such power?  No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative.  One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days.

The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.

Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them. Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. How we take care of ourselves is our issue.

We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family.

We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves.
It was tough getting love and respect back for me and I cherish it. It allows me to give far more away than I was ever capable of, and that includes the relationship with my dear old mother!
Can you relate? Want to talk? khbray@hopeserenity.ca.

Tags: Relationships Hopeserenity.ca Coach

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