Hello friends...back to blogging tonight after exchanging some wonderful personal messages and text chatting here for a few days. I am beginning to like the feeling of being read, and understood by other people here. Just a little bit, there is a feeling of being not alone when I do this. It is a growing feeling. The messages and comments I have received have always made me feel connected, but I feel kind of alone as I write the stuff out. That is changing. Today I had issues and I am angry, fearful and resentful. 
        So here is what the deal was. I ate an abstinent breakfast about 7:30 am. Was still hungry at 10 am. Had a few "words" with my hubby earlier, got up on the wrong side of the bed...BOTH of us..not good. My two new kittens had disappeared somewhere in the house and we couldn't find them, then realized they had escaped into the heating ducts!!! My ear had begun aching again and I have had no less than four presciptions over the last month and I was..and AM..very weary of not getting proper treatment from my HMO (long, horrid story, so just take it on my word..HMO's are Satan's idea of a health system.) Bottomline I was having a LOT of emotions...anger at getting the run around from my doctor, fear that my new fuzzy babies would die a long horrible death in the heating ducts, annoyed at Jerry for being a poop first thing in the morning and actual hunger. After talking to Lyn (my sponsor) I realized that last night I had only a bowl of cereal for dinner....it was fine last night, I didn't need more. But I needed more food at breakfast and didn't get it. That is a trap. My food plan requires three adequate meals a day and a snack in mid morning or mid afternoon if warranted. I usually call my sponsor to see if I really need a snack. For you people who have other addicitons, abstinence is sometimes complicated.

So all the feelings plus valid hunger added up to very bad food judgement. I have no rationality about food. My sponsor is my partner when making any decisions about food that are not on my food plan. We discussed a few options. I could take an item planned for lunch and have it early, then eat only the remaing lunch items at lunch...meaning I dont actually add to the food amount, just reschedule some of it to avoid hunger (hunger is dangerous to a food addict.) Or I could add a protein item to the total amount of food... that would do the best job of satisfying me for the next 2 hours. Or we could agree that it wasn't really hunger but my reaction to the anger and fear.   Anyway we decided together that I needed a snack...since I had not not eaten enough for dinner the previous evening leaving me pretty empty. I added 1 oz of cheese and some celeryto my food for the day and had that for mid-morning snack. Worked fine. Had the lunch I had planned...at the time I planned.
       One of the things I need to do to help me stay abstinent is to always have the proper food on hand at home, and nothing that is dangerous for me or a trigger for overeating. Today I needed to go shopping. One of my danger zones is the checkstand at the market...always loaded with impulse  items. I needed to do a "sandwhich call". Before I go into the store, I call another OA member and tell him or her what I am doing and commit to leaving non-abstenent food out of my cart and be accountable to them for not giving in to the check stand candy. After I am done shopping and in the car, I get on my cell and call that person back to report on how I did in the grocery store. That works really well.  ANother version of "cant do this alone".
       Another thing that is super important is to be honest and forthcoming about less than perfect food. Tonight I did not eat too much, but made very poor choices. God gave me grace in that it did not trigger a binge but it was very slippery ground. I will report that to my sponsor who is both my life sponsor and my food sponsor.
       So I got through the day. I resent having to take ear drops the third time but I am trying to have some serenity about it (acceptance). The kittens crawled up out of the air duct in the bathroom floor and ate their food. They ran away agin down the duct, but at least now Jerry and I know they can get out and we can make plans to ambush them so we can close up that one uncovered vent and prevent them setting up permanent residence there. I have peace on that issue. And Jerry and I had a rational talk about our morning grumpiness, so that is resolved very very nicely.
       So I am back on a peaceful, one day at a time, attitude. I am so grateful. Grace and gratitiude are my themes recently. I thank everyone of you who listen to me or read my stuff or comment. I am not alone. I look forward to the times when I might have something to offer to any of you to help and encourage you. We all need it, dont we?

Love to all, 

 Nancy

Tags: 10th

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