I wonder how long it has been since I drank. It seems like its been a while. ast time I quit it was over a year. And yet, here I am in the same exact place. Its my mind, the problem. It won't let me be. I try to be quiet and still, and it continues to ramble on. 

Last time I was in the hospital I think it was April. Another blackout. So its been about three months or so since I had some cocktails. Its funny how the girls at work use the word cocktail, instead of drinks. It makes it sound so glamorous. But waking up in the hospital that night was not very glamorous. My boyfriend was no where to be found. He was at home. My mom was sitting beside me, why he called her I will never know. To tell her about the mistakes that he had made, that I had made. To get everything out in the open? To make me feel like more of a failure then I already did?

I wonder... how do you mend a broken heart? How do you forgive? How do I erase my mistakes? How do I feel better about the things that I've done to people?

My boyfriend was not allowed to come to the hospital because despite what I told the police and the ambulance crew, they thought he had pushed me down the flight of steps. Truth be known it was my own carelessness, my own stupidity, my own money that bought those 7 glasses of wine. So I have no one to blame but myself.

Its funny that I have been trying to quit drinking for a couple years. A guy I dated once or twice came into my work right after it happened. He works for the ambulance company. He checked my hands for signs that I had hit my boyfriend trying to defend myself. I guess in a small town like mine, the word moves quickly.  It was quite funny, I was talking about having a drinking problem (in my little drinking town). I was going on and on to the girls I work with. The ambulance guy was sitting at the bar, he told me that he did not think I had a drinking problem. My boyfriend had convinced me that I have a drinking problem. I just wondered to myself if he was counting on me failing. He had made something of himself since we had dated, and now he was pleading with me to fail. It came across as good will, but somehow there seemed to be something deep underneath that was screaming misery loves company.

So I don't want to be misery anymore.

So how do I start over? In the same relationship with all the hurt, and the pain and the regrets, and the cloud looming above me. How do I fill this crack in my heart and how I fill the crack in his heart? Is it a new town? A new job?

I need some answers. I can't start back up again.

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