I've spent years hating myself. In high school I'd walk around with a knife or a bottle of pills telling myself I'd work up the guts to kill myself. I spent a lot of years obsessing about killing myself. Finally, I did get medication which stopped that thinking pattern but it didn't make me love myself. So, I was thinking how do I feel about myself right now and I don't feel anything. I don't feel hate which is a good thing because that's what I have felt for so long but I don't feel love either.
In this book of daily meditations that I read every day it had a reading about self-love. In therapy and in the twelve step programs I always hear about loving myself but I don't really know how to go about that. This little reading gave some good ideas. First it said I might have to start out by faking it or "acting as if". I've heard that saying in the twelve step program "fake it until you make it". I think I can do that- really pretend like I love myself. I mean, think about it. I've faked plenty of other stuff in my life. That ought to be easy.
The reading says to give myself treats and to learn to stop my pain even when that means making difficult decisions. I am pretty bad at that. A lot of times I think I deserve to be in pain, like I earned it for things I have done. It also says not to deprive yourself. I do that too. I will go without as a sort of self-punishment.
It says to stop explaining and justifying and to let mistakes go. I think I still feel badly about some things I've done in the past. I need to forgive myself. The people I've hurt have forgiven me. I am the one that needs to do the forgiving. I am the hardest on myself.
So, it says if I work on it a little each day then I will find that loving myself has become habitual. That would really be a blessing for me. I'd like to look in the mirror and feel self-love.
Tags: Reflective
