I can't believe I've made it a year with my habits . . . almost nothing has changed since my last posts, except that my grades are still much, much lower than I know I can do. I realized a couple of weeks ago that my withdrawal symptoms were so regular and so severe that I was almost unable to function.
My school has a counselor on staff for just such occasions, and after launching a drunken e-mail to my wife explaining that I'm just as tired of this s**t as she is, we worked together to set up something to make some changes.
I was totally freaked going in to talk to a "substance abuse counselor" at my school - I felt like all the student-employees there were thinking, "Oh, he's going to see BILL - he's screwed up!" I would have preferred to be drunk at that point . . .
The counselor was a recovering alcoholic, though, and told me some of his story and made me see that I'm not the first schmuck to paint myself into this corner. Actually, I'm lucky because I don't have some of the trimmings that come with the awareness of alcoholism (DUI, lost job, lost wife, etc.).
I didn't get all teary and pour my soul out, but I did share the logistics of my addiction with him (the first person I've ever really laid it out for). How much I drink, how often I drink, social/employment aspects involved, etc. Man, it felt good . . . and he's a darn cool guy. He didn't ask me when I wanted to come back, he walked me to the receptionist and _told_ me when he'd see me again. I need that. Someone please slap the stupidity out of me.
Anyway, I did my first AA meeting that same day (at his insistence). I'm really glad I did. I finally realized that I'm not a loser, I'm not worthless, I'm not a waste of oxygen . . . I'm just like a lot of other people. Some of them are struggling, some of them are sober for 37 years, but we're all alike. For the first time in 3 years I don't hate or resent myself. I finally see that I can have a life that I am proud of (with help).
Tomorrow I will go to my 3rd meeting. I would like to say that I've been sober that whole time, but I'm not going to lie anymore. I've been sneaking sips to keep the shakes at bay, and those sips turn into gulps later in the evening. "Cold Turkey" can be dangerous at my level of addiction (according to my counselor), so I'm just going to continue reducing my intake until I can get through the day without shaking and dizziness. I have the next 2 days off work and school so hopefully I can rein in the detox symptoms and get my s**t straight by Tuesday.
Thanks again to all of you who supported me early on. If you're still watching, I'm finally taking the steps to be right again.
