I wish I could get the strength to go to a Co-Dependancy meeting. I wish I could think about Peter and not binge ... or try to contact him. I miss him ... it's the worst kind of pain. I think of him and my heart starts breaking and I feel like crying ... but I still miss him.

Every day, I feel like I put on this brave face and this front. I go out there, I talk about him and how much he hurt me and destroyed my self esteem ... but when I'm alone ... he's all I want. He's all I think about. And I want to know why he can't love me. What was is about me that was so hard to even get attached to? Does it hurt him that we haven't spoken?

I have this guy ... I met him online and he's breaking his neck to meet me. I don't particularly want to meet him. At first I did ... but now I feel like such a faker. I had an affair with a married man ... I think coz I was so angry at the world ... so angry at men ... and he's still on my case - although he is now in therapy to fix things with his wife. And today I met up with a guy I dated about six years ago ... and he couldn't stop apologising for how awful he was to me ... and I wonder if one day that will be Peter sitting there?

Does anyone have a pill that will just make me forget? It's funny, I guess this is where addictions to drugs and alcohol start coming into it. Kleptomania ... all that stuff. I get it now. I wouldn't do it - but I understand it.

I'm still seeing my psychologist. I demanded that she tell me what's wrong with me. She "doesn't like to label" her clients. But I do have pieces of Borderline Personality ... on the other hand I have a very warped condition that she hasn't seen much of before. I'm determined to hurt myself and keep doing it. If I do wrong by someone, it's almost like I bully myself about it until I'm punished into absolute misery.

I don't go out anymore. I don't really want another guy. I just want Pete back. Just to sit on the couch and hang out with him - sit with him while he has a cigarette. To go for a ride to an isolated country pub ... I'll never understand why he didn't love me. I always did what I thought he wanted. I lost track of who I am in the relationship. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I am without him ... but I know that I don't like myself without him.

I should've tried harder. I should've cooked dinner more. I should've washed his car after a fight ... I shouldn't have gone through his stuff the way that I did. There's so many regrets and nothing I can learn from because something inside me refuses to move forward.

When will I forget him? How long will this process take?? When will the pain come to an end? When will the tears stop?? When will my heart stop breaking?! Does anyone have any god darn answers on here?!?!!

I tried to contact him again... I want him to know I haven't forgotten - that I'll never forget  and I feel worse.

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