I can't help myself it seems.

Whenever I think I've found a healthy relationship it turns out to be exactly the opposite.

It started off easy and carefree- I took him home one night thinking I probably wouldn't see him again. 

Well it's been 10 months. 5 of which we've spent living together. 

It started out so easy and casual- coming to see him in the middle of the night and not hearing from him again until the next night at 2 am. 

Didn't think much about him during the day. 

We agreed at the very beginning that it was purely a friendship- no strings attached. we would never date, never be an item.

Thinking that was the exact opposite of the relationship I had before that hurt me so badly- i quickly agreed. I wouldnt get attached! It was just sex. 

Time went by, he went back to school. 

I get a message one night, asking me if I would go to his school to help pack him up and bring him back home- a 5 hour drive. Okay I said reluctantly.

It was fun enough, I helped him get all his stuff in my car, it made me felt important. Made me feel special to him. If i only knew what I had just agreed to.

I moved into a tiny apartment for the summer, after about 4 nights of him staying there he told me he couldn't anymore- that he didn't want me to get used to always being there. It upset me, things had been fine. But i walked it off. 

He was there the very next night, and every night there after for the next 3 months. 

I did everything for him- cooked, cleaned, let him borrow my car- oh we were essentially married. It was fun and easy. I always loved playing house when I was young- so now was even better.

But summertime was coming to an end, and he had to go back to school- so we went through a few rough patches- I think we both tried to push each other away, but couldn't  

He went back to school- things were different. I visited him 2 weeks in and had an awful time. But i kept telling myself to remember all the amazing times we had together over the summer- that kept me going, kept me wanting him in my life. He made me happy for the first time. he made things easy- he changed me in a good way (made me realize the little things weren't going to kill me) - and even now i thank him for that.

so I didn't walk away. I told myself if i visited again, and things didn't go well I would end it and wouldn't see him again.

So I went down and had one of the best weekends of my life.

Looking back I can now see waht made it all so good- taking care of him filled that void i had- it made me feel needed. made me feel important and special.

So the story repeats itself- more visiting him and taking care of him at school. 

Well the last time i visited him about a month ago was no different. we had a great time. He came home for winter break, stayed at my apartment one night. 

two days later, he has a girlfriend. and that girl is not me. 

I wish I wasn;t this way- wish i didn't get so attached but I did. even though i thought I was doing the right thing- doing the complete opposite of what I did before. 

How do we change our ways? 

How can I get myself to not attract and or be attracted to these kinds of people?

I could go on and on about this. But i'm too tired. 

everything else in my life is coming along- work, school, living on my own etc etc

But this "addiction" stays strong.   

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