Wow, I can't believe how darn good I feel today. I think my mind has been screaming for this recovery process for years. It worked when I did it 15 years ago so why did I ever stop? Geez, thats an easy answer... I thought I was all better. No more panic attacks, lotsa good distractions like food, alcohol and destructive friends. Not that it was thier fault, hec I probably encouraged most of the destructive crap we did on the weekends.
So recovery was forgotten. Ever so slowly the disease gained more power. I have to laugh at myself. I did go through the obvious pitfalls like alcohol and bad decisions in my sex life but for the last five years or so i have stopped the binge drinking and careless relationships. Man have I patted myself on the back more than a few times. What a good girl I have been. I stay home most of the time. I rarely drink and never drink to get drunk. Well hell, im a model citizen.
EXCEPT for a few little problems....
Im terrified of relationships.
I can go all day without eating because that fattening 'special' meal at night is what I wait for. Its a drug i'm pining away for.
Then there is the sleeping. I can stay up all night when I am relativly alone but all I want to do during the day is sleep. Luxurious mind-losing sleep where all the uncomfortable feelings go away.
Hmmm, there is also the fact that when the work week is over I do not want to leave the house much less my bedroom. After all, it is house central for me. Big TV with Tivo, nice computer setup with my favorite games and s**t tons of books for distraction.
Good Lord when did this become normal.
I am not living, just functioning.
I am waiting to be left alone.
I am teaching my precious boy how NOT to cope. Hell. I'm not even sure what it is i'm trying to avoid coping with.
Anyway, I can tell i'm on the right track. I am feeling hope again. What a concept. HOPE.
Im gonna need this site, i'm gonna need all of you and I know God has blessed this. So, thank you.
