Tonight everything took a turn for the worse with me and my wife. 

As i have told you i my blogs she has been cheating on me with her boss.

I have asked her about what heppened and she has told me some of it, i have wanted to know more about how she feels about him, and what really happened between them and she has put of giving me an answer.

A few days ago she agreed to once and for all let me ask her any questions i wanted answered. She would anwer them and then we could let it be. She wouldn't have to deal with me asking and i would have gotten all the answers i need to let go and continue.

I still wanted to be able to ask her questions about this, since i think that unfaithfulness, the broken fundamentals of a marriage takes more than a couple of weeks to heal, but she said that i had to ask the questions now and then never bring up the subject again, except in councelling.

Well, ofcourse i wasn't allowed to take my time to think about what questions i needed answered, so i wrote down everything. 12 pages of questions, it is much, but since this was going to be the only time i got to ask the questions i don't think it is an unreasonable amount either.

I had to go to work for a few hours tonight, and she said she should answer the questions ehile i was away. It turned aout that she hadn't answererd a single question. She calimed i was a sick person to ask her these questions, that she had already agreed to answer, I had asked some of them earlier so she knew what kind of questions they were too.

She said the questions were to detailed, to personal, for her to answer. Well, i can se that they are not very pleasant for her to answer, i don't deny that, but she claims she want to meet my demands, she wants to help me through this pain she has caused me, but she doen't do anything to fulfill her promises.

I have ofcourse asked her not to have too much contact with the other man and we agreed that she should look for another job to get away from him.

Yesterday i asked her how she feel about the other man. She answered me that she admires him and want to work with him to learn what he has to teach her.

To me that answer means at least two things.

First that she still wants him in her life in some way, she has no intention to leave him completely.

Second she will break her promise to look for another job.

I told her that this was my view on things, which she couldn't understand. To me it's simple, either she lies whe she says she is disgusted by him or she lies when she says she admires him and want to work close to him.

And i told her that her claim to want to meet me in my pain, to help me and to support me in this, needs to take form in something, in action, not just words.

She refuses to talk to me, about anything at all, how is that showing that she want to help me in my pain and sorrow?

She leaves the room as soon as i enter. How is that helping?

She says she doesn't love me, she says that leaving me will be a relief. To me that is not supporting.

I have to realise that asking her my questions will not help her, it will only make things worse for both of us. I have to deal with my pain without her help, simply beacus i will not get any help from her.

Well...

This whole thing ended with her trashing our kitchen thowing stuff around, crashing her cellphone, throwing stuff in the livingroom, slamming doors and screaming.

Screaming at me that this time it was really, completely finally over and that she was just happy that it was. She didn't want to sleep at home, witch is fine by me, but she said she would go to the other man to sleep and that hurt me.

She got in her car and left.

Terrified that she would do something stupid, trying to hurt herslef or something, i called our friends, got my father go get out of bed to come and sit with our three children so that i could go out looking for her, since she had destroyed her mobile phone i couldn't phone her...

Eventually i got to know that she had gone to one of our neighbours. I called there and got to talk to her. She doesn't know if she will stay there for the night or not. She is just too upset and sad to think straight right now. I could do nothing more than to wish for her to take care of herself and tell her that i will pray for her.

The really wonderful thing in all this is that I still have serenity. I know i'm doing the right thing in detaching from her feelings, her sickness. I have a clear distance to her and her feelings, I still feel sad that it has come to this, that she feels this way. I feel sad for our children.

But I still haven't taken over her feelings. The feelings i have is MINE, and not hers! She is not dragging me with her in her slef pity and sorrow. I am held by the hand of God and feel safe in this.

I actually just stood and watched her go, i didn't shout, cry, threaten or anything... well i saked if she would really go to the other man, but not with a raised vioce even.

Even if she is at one of her lowest points yet, i still feel OK. A bit sad, but OK anyway. I watch ”christine” on TV and feel kind of good.

And still, i still love her, i love her deeply and truly. That hasn't changed one bit, but in my distance to her i can feel the love for her without having to throw myself at her feet.

I seriously think that this detachment thing is working. Not that i pride myself of having mastered it i fail constantly, but i have gotten a taste of it and i know it's the way to go!

I know that God has a way. I know everything will be OK, i have trust in my saiviour.

PTL!

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. Please pray for my wife, and me. That we will see and follow Gods will in this!

Those of you that read a lot of the blogs here might see a connection to... well guess...

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