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Thanks Everyone
Posted On 11/13/2008 06:53:07 by jaynekait

First let me say how thankful I am that Iceain got me to join. She is a good friend and a big help to me. She referred me because my husband is an alcoholic and he may be moving back in with me and his daughter. (my step-daughter)
We need to learn a different way of dealing with it, neither little Kait or I are patient people, and we are going to have to learn to be somewhat more tolerant. He has been a heavy drinker for 30 years now, and the stay at rehab didn't work, he will not go to meetings at all. So we are looking for any suggestions we can get. We have already told him that he cannot have hard liquor in the house, but he is good at hiding things and drinks throughout the day. I have coffee and he has budweiser. His family has given up on him, so we are all he has and we would like to keep him around. But we are afraid that it is killing him.
Thanks for "listening" and any help or support will be greatly appreciated.
JayneKait 



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Viewing 1 - 5 out of 5 Comments

From: KeithB
11/14/2008 11:57:55

You've got some great suggestions offered!

Hate to say it, if your husband is chronic, there is no hope to have a decent relationship. Addiction is truly a family disease and to distance from it takes a lot of courage.

You'll do what you want, but do it with your eyes wide open and be honest withyourself about what to expect. Nothing changes until something changes. What has changed from the time you split!

You may cope better, but with addiction comes the hurricane!



From: DisgruntledGurl
11/14/2008 03:47:52

Everyone here has made some excellent suggestions already... If you need quick access, here are those links for you, plus a couple of others that may be helpful as well.

Al-Anon
Co-Dependents Anonymous
Joy2MeU (for codependency recovery)
Coping.Org: Tools for Coping with Life's Stressors (has great exercises in recovery ... be sure to check out the Adults Tool Box!)

Pray for him, but don't give up on him.

Good luck and best wishes to you and your's...



From: DennisS
11/13/2008 23:25:21

Jaynekait -
   Sunshine and Karie have suggestions for you and Kait -  are great, because that is the only thing you can change. My wife had the same fears you had - but I was the one that had to decide when enough was enough. If an alcoholic isn't done drinking, there isn't much you can do to stop him. 
     If you don't want booze in the house then set the limit. Saying no hard liquor to me just made me up my beer consumption at home and drink the hard stuff elsewhere. Setting limits with a drunk you need a will of iron, because we'll take evey advantage we can get. Been there done that...
YFIR,
Dennis



From: Kariemac
11/13/2008 12:53:50

Jaynekait,
There is a wonderful program called Alanon   It was the back door to AA for me years ago.  You can Google it to find a meeting or someone to talk to in your home town or state.
A book of encouragement this program uses is called Courage to Change.  I read it almost everyday along with a couple of other AA literature books.

What you are describing is codependancy- or at least that's my view cause you sure described how I used to feel/think/worry about the alcoholics in my life.  A helpful book about codependancy is by Melody Beattie- Codependant No More... I highly recommnend it ; it helped me see parts of myself I could not see before.
It is not your responsibility to save his life it is HIS responsibility to save his own life.  Rehab did work- HE didn't do the work at Rehab.... understand?
This fellow will drink if he wants to drink.  Doesn't matter if he hides the booze or hangs it around his neck.  You can drink all the coffee you want it will not change his behaviour.  Only he can choose to change his behaviour- with a Higher Powers help... if/when he wants to ask for help- honest help.
Attaching consequences you can live with @ booze in the house is my suggestion.  What is hard liquor?  Does this mean beer is ok- or do you mean any alcohol??  If you say no alcohol in the house and he brings it in then what are you willing to do about it??  Nothing?
            &nb sp;                      If you keep doing the same things
            &nb sp;                   your going to keep getting what you always got.
Good luck and look out for you and your step-daughter,
Karie



From: sugarcain
11/13/2008 12:49:36

Hi there & welcome I'm glad you're here.. This site has tons of support, and it's been a real blessing to me
Anywho I just wanted to say that I think Al-anon would be a great help to you, and there's al-ateen for your step daughter.  Al-anon has helped me so much to detach and put the focus back on myself.  We can't change anybody but ourselves, and when we try to our lives become unmanageable. 
Take care,
Sunshine





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