I feel so ???
I catch myself day dreaming all the time. When im alert its like im in a cloud. When im day dreaming im not even here really. Its almost like I dissociate from my body, I do that a lot. Almost like I dont even want to deal so I just seperate myself from my self ??? I caught myself in a very negative thought process last night, going back to old thoughts [only thoughts] to cutting, which I havent done in quite a while. I realized it was just a cry for help so I asked myself what I really was trying to get attention for, what I needed. !. I think I was exhausted. 2. I had just left somewhere and felt extremely jealous of someone and that I needed to prove myself to her [ not going to go into all that] 3. I was feeling down. 4. It was at night.. nights are always soo hard for me. Anyways I started telling myself that if I reverted to that behavior that so and so would be mad at me, but then really I would be mad at me too, so I didnt... what did I do?? At first I just wanted to cry once I got home. I was trying soo hard not to go straight to the kitchen to binge. My mom said she saved so spaghetti for me, so something went off in my head and I had to eat it.. I couldnt stop there, I thought I already screwed up so what did I do? I ate ice cream, a lot too. Its getting to the point where food is taking over me and no matter how hard I try I cant control it. Im soo exhausted and im just asking myself when will it end. Its like every day I try to do the best I can, but the same thing happens over and over. Maybe its because im thinking that it will happen, maybe its cause its a habit, maybe cause its the only thing familiar, maybe because its comfort?? It could be all those things. Yes im gaining weight and im trying to be okay with it but im not, just because im not starving any more or purging any more doesnt mean I have to be fat to be "normal" I want to stop eating at night now. Its like it goes from one food thing to another, what happens if it goes back to not eating or purging or whatever. I know all this isnt about food, but about control. Im just really overwhelmed right now and need someone to talk to. Not trying to have a pitty party so im sorry if it sounds that way. I really want advice? suggestions? just to hear someone else talk for a minute instead of myself! Thanks for takin time to read this, that there means so much to me... i know im not alone because if i was then you wouldnt be reading this right now...
