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OK, it's over
Posted On 10/30/2008 04:49:38 by Sair_Bare

I'm at the point where I give up. I totally give up. If something bad happens I feel completely numb - I can barely react anymore. I have so many self help books that are taking over three quaters of my bed, I've read countless blogs and ideas, opinions and just list after list of ideas on how to be happy. How I can make myself happy.

I've gained about 20kg since starting to see Peter nine months ago and I'm so stressed now, I just can't kick it. So my psychiatrist and I are talking about me changing my medication. I always  feel like such a psycho at times like this. I feel so mentally unbalanced. The slightest bit of feedback or criticism, or emails I can take the wrong way - just tear me apart and I start making the wrong decisions.

I'm new in a job and there's this lady there. She's been there for 16 years and any little idea that I have, she shoots down. She's competitive with every little thing that I do and it's just ridiculous! I feel like I'm competing with my mother! She's old enough to be my mother. She hasn't got my qualification etc ... the thing that pisses me off is at the end of the day, aren't we a team?!

And then I stupidly confided in my friend Bryan, who was my best friend. We've hooked up before ... and it took one night for him to cheat on me with two other girls. So when the same thing happened this time around - not only was I not shocked, but I almost went 'well ... it could be worse, at least it was just ONE girl this time!' He told me he was single...

So right now, I'm more than happy to be single. Men are complicated. I'm being very quick to end friendships if I think they're too much hard work and I just move on. Keep moving forward. I don't want to look back! I think it's been two weeks since I spoke to Peter. I've thought about him every day, and it doesn't hurt any less, but I can't contact him anymore because I'm so much further ahead than I was. I don't cry anymore. But I feel miserable inside all the time. In a way, I feel like I've given up on being happy.

I wish I was someone else...  

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Viewing 1 - 2 out of 2 Comments

From: DisgruntledGurl
11/01/2008 05:11:34

Until you become comfortable of being in your own skin, you're not going to be able to give what you don't have... But you nailed it right on the head when you asked, "How can I make myself happy?".

I concur with Keith. It's great you have all those self help books... But reading isn't going to change your situation. Only action will. Take this time in recovery to get to know yourself, which, in that
process, you'll begin to appreciate yourself for who YOU are! No
relationship is going to fill that empty space we have within
ourselves, no matter how we try. (Been there, done that!)

Action - by working the steps is the best way of answering your own question of, "how can I make myself happy". You've been given the links to 12 step Anonymous websites to check for meetings in your area. If you can't, there is all kinds of help available on the web... Even people willing to be a step sponsor if you need it. Download the 12 Step Recovery Journal to help get you started working the steps until you can get a sponsor and/or make it to meetings.

We are here for you...and we will love you until you can love yourself. But we can't do the work for you.

From: KeithB
10/30/2008 17:50:35

You are you, and deep inside that is good! Listen to the outside help, but work the darn steps. How about some meetings!

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