Well, I've finally had my last goodbye with Peter. We've had about a million last goodbyes but this time I'm determined to be strong and not give in. The last time we spoke was Thursday - October 23. Right now, it feels like it's been years.
It was my fault really. He wasn't treating me the way I wanted to be treated, so I thought back to what I did in high school when I was getting all the guys. Easy - seduce his friends! So I did. And I sent him photos, ironically that Peter had taken of me. He seemed interested. Of course, mates sticking by mates, despite everything he said to me, he called Peter the next day to tell him he had them.
Well Peter went off! One minute I used him, the next minute I'm playing on his emotions, the next minute he doesn't want me - but no one else can have me either. It went on and on and I stopped myself for a moment and went "Wow, well ... I'm really sorry you feel that way. Obviously this isn't working out anymore, bye" and it was over. I hung up and although I'm SO tempted to pick up that phone or to add him back to my online messanger so we can talk to each other again - I've stopped myself.
And then the other night, my best friend - stupidly, a male - who has ALWAYS been there for me and I got together. All my friends were really excited that it was finally happening. We'd been together briefly when we were 17, but he wasn't ready for it - which was clear coz he cheated on me with another two girls. Well, I found out today that actually, his so-called ex girlfriend who he'd broken off with MONTHS ago, was still his girlfriend. Right...
I realise not all men are dogs, but it's definitely hard to tell myself that they're not right now, when it seems that it's all I'm demonstrated. OK, I pick the wrong ones. I don't need a man. Whatever - I hear it all the time. Even being with my friend didn't take my mind off Peter and the fact that he stuffed me around as well, just makes me want to go back to Peter even more.
I had a dream about Peter last night for the first time since. A nightmare really. Woke up in a sweat, felt like I hadn't slept. It was awful. He was just about to announce his engagement to another woman... don't know why that shattered me when he's been MARRIED all year!
It was such a disjointed dream. Everything that was a problem with us came up. The fact that he wouldn't tell his friends about me - I show up at his house unannounced - his friends are there. He's nowhere to be seen. I walk into a room where his mother is and a few other girls (who she's trying to set up with Peter) and ask where he is. She nearly chokes at the sight of me. Tells me he's in his room. I go to his room (it's a house with so many rooms, I keep going through the wrong doors and getting deadends along the way), but finally I find him. He's sifting through his clothes rack - looking for something to wear for this party he's about to have. I'm obviously not invited. We argue, I start walking out and his mother mentions that he's about to announce his engagement. I panic and trying to get out of there, keep running into all his friends. I want to find Peter to ask if it's true but he's vanished... as I'm walking away, he finds me and tells me it's not true and that he wants me back... we kiss... utter chaos.
When I am really really depressed, I have nightmares. When I can't escape the pain when I'm asleep as well, I wake up and I'm suicidal. That's a fair call - I think. Can't even escape when I'm sleeping... and I wonder if this is the beginning of a series of nightmares. Will I ever get a goodnights sleep again - I'm too scared to sleep now because it hurts so much more when I wake up from these dreams.
I'm 25. Rationally, I know I have a lot to live for and a lot to give. But my heart is breaking and I feel like Britney Spears on a good day. Literally - I feel so self destructive. Coz it is in my head. I know it is. And I still can't break away from it.
Am I going about all this the wrong way??
A bigger piece of me at the moment is saying "F**k men! Go get your crosstrainer, spend the money, work out in your spare time". At the end of the day, we can only rely on ourselves. I feel like I've lost lovers and friends lately. I don't want to go out. I don't want to party. I don't want to see anyone. I work, I come home, I vege on my computer and I sleep. When I lived alone, I was at my happiest. No one could touch me. If I don't talk to anyone, I can't misinterpret anything, so I can't get hurt. If I don't get hurt, then I feel ok. If I feel ok then ... that's a fuckin' rare moment right now... so I'd be happy.
I don't want to see shrinks anymore. I realise now that being with Peter, I was only hurting myself. And the more I hurt, the more I wanted to hurt his wife... but now that I've broken free - sure, I miss him ... but there is a bigger part of me that doesn't want to go back through the cycle again. Even if the sex WAS really good!
One day, I'll find the perfect man - at least for me. That day ... hasn't come.
Sair xxx
