Perpetual quietness of the heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore, to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming troubled.
-From a plaque on Dr. Bob's desk
I got home last night from Body Songs, a kind of funky 11th step that one of my friends has at her home a couple times a month on Friday nights. This was my 2nd one, and because of the day I had, well the week I had really, it stirred up alot of negative feelings inside of me. The card I picked at the beginning said "awakenings" and I felt it was very appropriate for me!! I certainly was awakened to how unhappy I was feeling about work, life, and just my overall state of mind, body & spirit. I'm usually happy go lucky, miss positive if you will, and I try to remain as grateful as possible, because I truly am...but I couldn't deny the fact that I need to make some changes in my life, and I'm scared shitless to do it. I know God is in control of all things, but I want a career change, want to go back to school, I'm tired of my corporate paper pushing job, and have felt that way for a long time, and yet fear stands in the way. Fear, and not feeling that I'm worthy enough to go out and make my dreams come true. I'm also scared in this economy to make any changes. My husband has switched jobs 3 times in the last year, and I can't afford to loose our insurance and be out of work. Again not trusting God....One other thing became very clear to me last night and that is that I've been stuffing my feelings down with food, TV, computer, gossip, and any other negative behaviors so I don't have to feel..I learned early on in an alcoholic home how not to feel, trust, or make any waves, and it's still hard for me to deal with my feelings sometimes, and really take stock on what is going on with me. All of this stuff came over me like a huge wave of resentment, fear, envy, and frustration, and it just blew me away.
So...I came upon this writing on humility that I had in my journal last night, and wanted to share it with you all because it's so beautifully written so where I want to be right now... Thank you for letting me share my deepest fears and thoughts with you.
