So – here I am writing again. This time from a hotel room in Paris. I came here today, will work for about an hour tomorrow and then go home again. Sitting on the train for about four and a half hours , I had time to think about something that has been bothering me for a while. Loose ends. There are a few in my life, things I need to take care of. Some of them have been with me for a while and for some reason I am not dealing with them. Some might be actions I need to take concerning myself, others might concern relationships with other people. Some of my loose ends bother me more the longer I don't take care of them, some seem to disappear. What they all have in common is, that not taking care of them creates a sense of failure or unease.
The thing about the ones that seem to disappear is that I have found that although they seem to disappear, they stay with me, just become less visible. But when the time comes, they resurface. Sometimes in a nasty way, sometimes not, almost always in a different way from what I expect. An example: I might have insulted someone (unintentionally of course – I never insult people on purpose) and when a situation occurs that we end up talking about it, the person might have forgotten or maybe took it much more serious than I did. In any case, the outcome is different from what my expectation was. Sometimes the effect is more hidden, an issue in one relationship will influence my behaviour in other, unrelated relationships.
What I was thinking about today is what happens during my "not taking care of it". I realize that it influences me and my actions constantly - all of them. Even if the issue is unrelated. One of the major feelings that is involved in this is guilt. My thoughts and actions are tainted by this feeling. I hate feeling guilty and it really messes me up. It influences all of my thoughts and actions. But if I dislike this feeling so much then why don't I take care of the things that cause this guilt? Is it some self destruction mechanism to make sure that I don't feel good? Not taking care of the things I need to do has gotten me into serious trouble many times and I am really getting sick of it.
But letting go of this behaviour and taking care of my loose ends ? – HA ! - this feels like step 6 felt the first time around. What I was thinking then was:
Having my defects removed??
Jeeezz – what will be left of me? I am entirely made up of defects, they are what defines me the most... I will end up just an empty shell....
Well – after a while of pondering that thought and talking with my sponsor about it, I realized that I don't really have a choice if I want to feel better (or at least less shitty). So I agreed to take the 6th step and then on with step 7 but guess what... My Higher Power didn't remove all my defects of character in one mighty flash. As a matter of fact, I don't believe that any outside force removed anything - but that I became willing to walk a different path. Still the same me, but with a different view and choosing better, healthier ways. Nowhere in the steps does it say anything about my higher power having removed all my defects of character, just as there is no mention of having become enlightened but rather spiritually awakended (but that is another topic). All of my transformation in recovery comes down to my own personal choice. It is me who makes the changes, my higher power merely points me in the right direction. I have to walk the path myself. My higher power will come along and be there when I need directions and sometimes it gives me directions when I don't ask for them (which usually pisses me off – an emotion to be replaced later by gratitude)
Now after 20 years clean, I am still working the steps. I decided to tackle my loose ends... and... maybe this time – there will be a giant flash ;-)
Tags: Recovery Steps
