So I have been working on the 12 steps by myself because i dont have a sponsor, I really dont have anyone who can understand. I want to know how to let my voice be heard instead of reverting back to bad habits and my addiction. I went to aba meetings [anorexia and bulimia annoymous] but felt soo different than everone else. Going to the meetings seems really strange for me, I feel like I am so different than everyone else. I feel like im not as good as they are at my addictions. I know thats crazy talk. I want to be able to stop my bingeing episodes. I dont want to starve, purge, take pills, whatever. I just want to be real and deal with pain like people are supposed to do. I dont know how to sit with any feeling and just deal with it, whether it be a good or bad feeling. I really need some kind of guide or something to keep me going. I get through a day without bingeing and purging but when nighttime comes around I feel so alone and its like something takes over me [my addiction i know] but I cant stop it. It hurts me soo bad just that I give in after a days hard work of staying in recovery. I dont know if im doing something wrong. I dont even know if im ever going to stop, i mean i want to soo bad, but I just dont know how to stop. Im soo overwhelmed right now. I just want to be seen and heard, not be miss invisible any more. I want to be alive without having to starve to feel like im actually a person just like everyone else.
