So I cant sleep, my stomach aches and my heart continues to race. I dont know how to have a healthy relationship with food. I know this sounds bad but I love the feeling and the so called "control" of not eating. It gives me some kind of hope away from the binge and purge cycle. I fear hunger because im scared ill binge, when you starve for soo long it just happens. Its a never ending cycle and I hate it. I just recently started going to this ED therapist, which was the biggest mistake of my life. I mean seriously I could write my own book on EDs so why is this woman telling me about them. I thought it would help because maybe she could help me tie my emotions with food and help me find healthier ways to deal and all that but im guessing thats not what she does. Anyways, I binged and purged yesterday... I went to dance after that, something I would have never done before. I had fun even though I felt somewhat sick. When I got home I binged again but didnt purge. Now this morning I feel disgusting, just the fact that knowing all that could have been different. I feel ugly when I cant control what im doing with food. Having an ED is just soo ugly and makes me feel so unpretty. Ok so im not even sure if this makes sense but I just felt like getting that off my chest... thanks
