I received some questions and a small introduction to Step 1 via DennisS, these particular questions being from something relating to NA. It's so difficult to answer questions about 'using' and 'blacking out' and whatever...because that's not me.
So, here's my responses...After reading over them, I think I'm still not taking recovery seriously. Maybe it's because I'm having to do this the second time around, after having gotten to Step 10. I guess in my mind I keep on telling myself, 'This is BS, I don't have to do this, and I'll still manage with my life, like I've been doing for the previous 18 years of my life'. But, then, I realize where I'll be if I don't try this one more time... probably in the grave due to suicide. Depression only goes downhill.
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- What does it mean to "admit" something?
When you admit something, you come to the realization that whatever you believe to not be a problem, is actually a great deal of an issue, and this is something you may be reluctant to talk about or come to grips with.
- What is the disease of addiction?
Addiction is when you continue to repeat habits that are bad for your health and overall for your entire being. They go against the belief of keeping your body a temple for God. It is a disease because it is with you the rest of your life, and the symptoms before the full-grown disease have commonplaces in many starting points, versus being isolated to one person.
- Why is being clean not enough?
Because the thought pattern to use is still there, and you can relapse easily.
- How was my life unmanageable in my addiction?
The depression stopped my desire to change for the better, as well as to have a compassionate nature towards others. I cannot trust anyone, and I feel like I don’t have a real-life support system. A support system is still there, but it’s not tangible to me other than words from people whom I’ve never met in my life.
- How is my life unmanageable in my recovery?
Some of that question was answered in the one above. Both before and after coming to the program, I feel the same things. This is the reason that I am repeating the steps…because I do not feel like I have learned anything, and that what I did learn did not stick, and the repercussions of that made me worse than I was before.
- Who managed my life when using & who manages my life in recovery?
I did not use…but my parents have always managed my life, as well as myself, during those certain single days when I was alone. By that time, I knew enough of what was right and what was wrong. I do not have a sponsor, never have, and my parents are still in my life, so they still manage the everyday things. I’m more in control of what I do outside the home, though I rarely get out, because it is of my own choosing.
- How was I powerless over my addiction when using?
I haven’t used… but the symptoms behind why I hurt myself like I did started because of verbal abuse that I suffered as a child, and discrimination I still face.
- How am I powerless in my recovery?
God is the one who put me on this Earth, and who controls my life. I can die tomorrow, or in 100 years…whenever God wills it. I can’t control what kind of day I will have, but I can control how it will affect me in the end.
- What are the benefits of accepting powerlessness over my addiction?
You don’t feel as guilty and you’re less likely to beat yourself up for little mistakes, and you seek relief in another, without the harsh criticism of, say, a friend, who has pre-judgment of you.
- How do I apply the First Step in my life?
I don’t. I constantly beat myself up, and I’m sure this is a large part of why I am obese, and why massage therapists have asked me if I have been in a ‘trauma’ once they go over my neck…the stress, anger, and depression is probably rotting me away on the inside.
- Am I willing to accept the Steps as a way of life?
It will take a while before I can trust in the program again… but eventually.
- What is the principle of Step One?
To begin your journey on the ‘road to recovery’ and realize that we have a HP who we can trust with our problems, when no one else is around to listen and/or care.
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In other news... I'm finding myself numb again. I'm wondering if the feeling of apathy is the result of me possibly having S.A.D., which is depression oriented around the changing of the seasons to the colder weather. It would make sense, I suppose, but I feel depressed all the time...I just have a greater ache during the Fall and Winter. During the Spring and Summer, it's not as harsh. If that's the case, they say therapy and a light box should help. ...I don't know.
Reading the 'Angel Calendar' that Mom has by the computer...for today, it says 'You are an angel, and you are a blessing to the world'. ...That must be the biggest bunch of malarkey I've heard in a while. I'm sorry, but there are so many people who don't deserve even a chip of that excessive compliment. One of them being me...seriously...I piss off practically everyone I know. And everyone else? I usually push them away.
Still no news on meetings for any type of addict in town, and I don't feel comfortable enough to go out of town to deal with my issues. ...I really am f*cked, huh?
I wish this anger, this resentment, and the excessive ache was gone...but it's not, and I find it only growing. What's wrong with me?
I never asked for this life... I never asked to be born...and if I were to suffer this much for my entire life, I wish I had no essence at all.
Stop worrying about me killing myself, by the way...I'm not that stupid. I may hate myself, but I love my family way too much to do that to them.
Thank you again for your advice...but my condition only seems to grow worse. I just wish I had some real-life support.
Blessings,
+R
