Codependency is a bitch! Welcome to a place where you are not alone in your issues with codependency:)
God Bless
-Jessie

Reach out, and keep coming back

Man, that sounds like the 12+ year relationship I had with my ex. Though he wasn't a drinker and maybe worked less than a year the entire time we were together (and worse, we had kids), sharing a life with him was sheer hell. Eventually I came to realize that while I didn't love him the way I should have ...because I couldn't give what I didn't have... truth be told that I stuck it out because I was afraid of being alone as much as it was for financial dependency. Of course I couldn't or wouldn't admit that to myself as it conflicted with the belief that I was right - for him (nevermind if he was right for me!). Instead, I convinced myself that if I loved more and was more 'understanding' of his situation, tolerated his neglectful and abusive behavior, burdening myself with things so 'he wouldn't have to', put the needs of the kids and myself on the back burner, et al - that one of these days, he would "come around" and start being the parent for his kids and a partner I needed him to be. Not only my behavior, as I learned later - was classic codependent, but worse... I was an enabler. By making excuses for him, I took the responsibility from him not to do a d**ned thing. For me, for his children, for us as a couple and a family, and for himself especially. In the end, I lost everything. Including my kids.

This is what I traded my dignity for...

I am glad that you recognize something is amiss, and I pray that you love yourself enough to break away from this toxic relationship before the relationship costs you more than what you deserve to pay... Sad thing about codependents is that we often find ourselves experiencing patterns in relationships - usually with emotionally unavailable people, and that if we martyr ourselves, they'll "eventually" come around. In fact, notice how the worse he treats you and what you're willing to do for him?

Angela and byGrace were helpful in mentioning CoDA and how it could help. Here's the website to CoDependents Anonymous to check for meetings in your area: http://www.codependents.org/

If you're interested in other forms of self-help, here's really awesome site (one that I use quite often): http://www.coping.org/ - check out the Adults Tool Box.

Also, here's a couple of articles you may find of intrest:
Is this Love or Emotional Dependency?
Trust Not: What is Codependency?

Hang in there and good luck.

Hi Sair - 

With Angela, I say thank you for sharing this. For me, I know that writing things out and especially sharing things usually helps me to find direction. 

My 2 cents...

I have been to numerous codependency group meetings, and what you are talking about fits that mold well of codependency. So one suggestion would be to find a CoDA meeting if possible and/or read some material about codependency. When I went to CoDA meetings, it turned out that I found out that in addition to codependency, I had an addiction that was not as public or maybe destructive (that is debatable now) as my wife's, but by going to the meetings I found out after a while that I had an addiction to porn. That is not a problem for you, but my point is that by going to meetings and just listening and trying to get in touch with feelings and share them in an open way that sometimes some surprising (and very helpful) insights can come out of your life. 

Another thing to ponder may be this. True love requires that we want the best for another person. What we think that "the best" is follows a great deal from our belief system and world outlook. Some people may think "the best" for someone could be a bunch of money or to live like they want to. I like what you say about wanting happiness for this person that you love. But I believe that is really not something that we can give to another person, it is only something that we can help them find in their own lives. But even to do that well I believe takes a huge commitment. For me, when I committed to that with my wife I found that I could only do that halfway well, and then only through the power of my working with my Higher Power, my God. And many times I did ask myself during the crazy times that happened - what was it in me that compelled me to want to make such a sacrifice and commitment to this person, in my case my wife. If I had to do it over again, I don't wish that I had not married my wife (sometims she wonders about this). But I do wish that I had married my wife on better terms - having worked out many of our issues beforehand and my gotten healthier and she had gotten healthier beforehand. That would have actually been a more loving thing to do, as we both would have had greater happiness sooner than we have had, I believe. So the loving thing to do, wanting the best for her happiness, would have been for me to take a humility pill, ask myself why I thought that I would be so many answers to her "problems" (problems that at the time she would not even admit to but that I in my "great wisdom" could "see much better than her"). I am not saying that it was wrong to try to help her, but for me at least I should have done it in greater humility, realizing my own problems and hence my own inability to do many things for her that I thought that I could do. 

So I am rambling a bit, but I guess that I would want to give some advice to take a step back, ask yourself why you are so "addicted" to this person, ask others (e.g., therapists, people in recovery groups) if they can help you with insight into it, and ask your God if this is really a task for you right now or if it is best to let it play out some first to gain some clairty and perhaps for him to find some healthy behavior in his life. For me, it has been a matter a growing in humility over the 20+ years of our marriage to realize that I cannot "fix" my wife, I am not her saviour and trying to be only makes it worse. On the other hand, I do have a place in her life and I can help her live a better life when I live my life in the right way. So it is a balance based on humility before my God. 

I hope that this helps - that's the intention. If it doesn't or it sounds judgmental or anything like that, then please take only what seems good to you. I wish you the best. 

byGrace

Both of you have to learn to love yourselves. I love to word you use, toxic.