Recovery is a process, one which rebuilds our lives.
And the Twelve Steps provide the foundation to support
our growth as healthy, productive women. But
each Step must be carefully and honestly worked, or
the whole foundation will be weakened.
How lucky we are to have found this program and
the structure it offers. We looked for structure in our
past. We searched, maybe for years, running from one
panacea to another, hoping to find ourselves. Booze
- pills - food - lovers - causes; none gave us the
security we longed for. We couldn't find ourselves
because we hadn't defined ourselves. At last we've
come home. Self-definition is the program's guarantee.
Not only can we discover who we are, now, but
we can change, nuture those traits that we favour,
diminish those that attract trouble.
Today is one of those days where I feel very good about myself, my recovery, my program, and the whole process. This journey is an up-and-down ride for me, and for all of us, I suppose.
It took me a long time, but I eventually came to a place that showed me I had to make some big changes in my life. The most obvious, of course, was to stop drinking and taking drugs. After many years of slowly committing suicide, I decided "No, I want to live...I give up...please help me."
And here we are. I was willing to do everything "suggested" to me, with one exception! I was not willing to hand over my "emotional attachment" stuff. Not only had I sought out relief in alcohol/drugs...there always had to be a man in my life and I made sure that there was. It all caused me much pain, I caused much pain for others, and everything became a vicious cycle.
So I came to recovery and still tried to fill my void with "romantic" love.
The experiences that I chose for myself all led to relapses with hash. I was not growing and changing!
The beginning of this year had me make a decision to let go... this decision is probably one of the most loving things that I have done for myself. I struggle with it periodically, but I do notice how each day that goes by, I become stronger and more sure that I have made a wise choice.
This summer, I have been "pursued" by several men, which is very pleasant for my ego, but was able to say (someone gave me some good advice on how to handle it - saying NO is difficult for me - I prefer MAYBE!!!!) "Thank you, I am flattered, but no thank you."
I found this new behavior to be extremely empowering.
I know that I am still very fragile emotionally, and too much upset, "good" or "bad" is still very dangerous for my recovery. I am glad for this time out so I can learn to define myself and who I am, and who I choose to be - hopefully the woman that God created me to be.
Thank you for keeping me clean and sober today
Peace be with you all
Tags: Recovery Surrender
