For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about my ex-fiancee.
We met in a psych hospital, but that relationship was doomed from the start. I was an emotional wreck and he had come into recovery for an addiction to alcohol and crack cocaine.
At first, we thought that we could support each other in our recovery, but in the end, all we did was drag each other down further and further.
But in all honesty, I still love him, I just couldn't put up with the bulls**t anymore. The lying, the relapsing, the deciet. I was still going through a lot emotionally and he was just making it worse.
I just hate it when people tell me "Oh, you're young, it wasn't real" because damnit, it was. He was the first person I'd ever met that I fet comfortable with the first time we talked. I could be around him and feel completly at ease, I didn't feel self-conscious and I really could see myself spending the rest of my life with him (and I planned to after he asked me to marry him). He was the first man that I had been with that didn't start to piss me off after about a month of dating. His family was like my family and it was just so intense and real.
But when he started to continually relapse, everything started to change. That's when the lying started. The deception. I'm 99% sure that he cheated on me with his ex. It got to the point that I couldn't trust him, that half of the things that came out of his mouth I wasn't sure if I could believe because he had lied so much. And it was stupid sh*t too. One night we were talking and he claimed he was in bed but then out of nowhere I here "what the F**k, you almost cut me off!". Even after that, he kept trying to lie to me. Finally he claimed that he was just going out to get some smokes, but it just seemed so stupid that I couldn't believe it. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that he was either going to smoke crack with Adrian or was going to cheat on me.
For a while, I forgot about him. I didn't care because I felt that he didn't deserve me after everything he put me through. But now, everything reminds me of him. I walk past a guy on campus that wears the same Axe that he did and I just want to break down. Someone will be smoking the same smokes that he did and it breaks my heart. I walk out of class into the chilly afternoon and it reminds me of the cold weekend winters I spent with him in Columbia.
Even right now, I'm breaking down and crying. I loved him so much, but I couldn't bear the pain he was putting me through. I was emotionally fragile and he was making it worse. I understand that in recovery, relapse happens very frequently, but damnit I loved him. I hate that I lost him and I hate that I chose to lose him, that I was the one who broke it off.
If I had the chance today, I would give him another chance. Against my best judgement, I would, regardless of all the pain he put me through. That's how much I loved him...
I have the song "Walk You Home" by Karmina on repeat. I'm sitting here crying so much that I can barely see the computer screen, hating myself for letting him go...
Even after two years, I feel like I'll never love someone as much as I loved him. It was that deep, passionate love that tore me apart when I lost it. It hurts even more when I'm told "well, you're young, you'll find someone else." Damnit, I don't want someone else...I want him. Even after everything, I still want him back...
"Walk You Home" by Karmina
Slow down, what's on your mind
It's alright, I'm on your side
I hate to see your injury, I wish that you could transfer all
your pain to me
Stay here, it's ok to cry
Let me, help you make it right
Let's turn up our radio, let the bands remind you that you're not
alone
We all get low
Chorus
Even the brave may depend on someone
The moon only shines with the help of the sun
It's not as safe when you're walking alone
I'll walk you home
Sun's out, but it feels like rain
So I will, illuminate your day
I'm afraid I'm losing it, what's it gonna take for me to get
through this?
We'll get through this
Chorus
Bridge
Need the band to play the song
Someone's trying to keep you strong
It's harder when your on your own
Success is not the same alone
Can't have up without a down
Need the straight to have the round
I'll provide the harmony
Your song is best accompanied
Tags: Sad Depressed Reminiscing Lonely
