I don't really know how to start this blog off. I just really wanted to talk about things about my self that have been (quite literally) making me sick lately. I've never been the type of person who can claim to "have no regrets." I'm not someone who usually takes good things aways from horrible situations. First and foremost, my bulimia. This has affected all aspects of my life in a very, very negative way. I lie to everyone around me. Nobody knows how sick I am. The few people who have any knowledge of my eating disorder only know a very watered down version of the ugly truth. A few months ago, my weight was at an all time low and eveyone was worried about me. Now that I've gained some of the weight back and everyone has sort of forgotten...I'm sicker than ever. I wake up, feel like s**t. binge, purge and continue feeling like s**t. There is NOTHING about this disorder that is comforting anymore. I am nothing more than an addict who doesn't know how to take care of herself. When I'm hungry, I plan these "awesome" binges, yet, as soon as the food hits my mouth I regret it. Of course, then it's too late. I actually find myself crying during most binges lately...which is really, really screwed up. I can't stop thinking about what my boyfriend, my mom, my dad, my friends would think...how it would change our relationships, if they knew who I really was. Before I started throwing up, I had a low self-esteem, but this past year, I've become so unbelieveably depressed, I can't deal with it. I have the most unfulfilling job, where I spend all my money on food to throw up. I need help...but every time I think about going to the doctor or counseling, I just think "I'm not sick enough yet." Which is pretty funny because only a person who is really sick would think like that....but this, right now, is my more logical side writing this.....and this part of me is somehow missing whenever my addiction takes over. I hate myself......right now, I hate myself.
