So let's see...the last few weeks have been crazy.
School started, and I'm still trying to get back into the rhythm of going to school every day.
I have come to a very important decision though, in regards to my recovery.
In short, I'm done with NA in my area. This weekend was our area's campout and I went out with some friends on Saturday night. When we got out there, I was standing with my friend while she was talking to some regulars. They knew me, I knew them. They'd say hi to my friends, look directly at me, and say nothing. For example: my friend was talking to her old sponsor. I've been in the program longer than my friend, so I've known her sponsor longer. They talked for a good five or ten minutes before her old sponsor looked over and was like, "Oh, hi Caitie..." like she hadn't noticed me. bulls**t she didn't notice me.
In short, I'm sick of the majority of people in NA. I don't have the gas or the time to go to out of town meetings, so I guess I'm done. Because of a relationship gone bad, I don't feel that I can go to AA or CA, so I guess I'm SOL. I'm still planning on working with my sponsor and doing the steps, but I can't continue going to events and going to meetings when I feel like an outcast. I've made the effort to get to know people, to try and open up at meetings, and they've made me feel very unwelcome. I've been in NA for two years and I still feel unwelcome and I'm done. I've got too much going on emotionally, I don't need this anymore. Going to meetings and being made to feel like an outcast is detrimental for my recovery. I get depressed and want to use or want to cut, and it's just not worth it.
It's just a shame that I'm basically being forced into giving up NA. When I would go to NA meetings in Houston, they were amazing! I loved the meetings and always felt so welcomed and really enjoyed going. Nowadays I dread going to meetings because I know it's going to be an hour of feeling like s**t. feeling like a total outsider. I try to go to the Friday night meeting, and I dread it for the whole day before, and then I don't bother going out to eat afterward, I just go home and feel like sh*t because everyone is so cold to me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing NA. I'm simply stating that I'm done with NA in my area. Maybe it's just a bad, clique-ish area, I don't know, but I'm done wasting my time at meetings that just make me feel bad and want to use.
But it's whatever. I'm ranting. I'm tired and I have to get up early tomorrow, so I'm going to bed, but I did want to update.
~Caitie
