Ok, so I made my 90 days....I'm proud of myself. But I've had a really bad 2 days. My oldest daughter, who is 14, called last night crying so hard that I couldn't understand what she was saying. She had a fight with her Dad, and was begging me to come and get her. (She is 500 miles away from me). I tried to talk to her and calm her down, but I could hear my ex in the background screaming and demanding for her to get off the phone. I called back later to speak to him, because there is always 2 sides to every story, all I got from him is that she has a lack of respect for authority, and he will fix this flaw in her. I did learn some things from him about my child that I'm not too happy about. But she is 14 and I have been there once upon a time too. She feels like she is not being supported by him in her efforts for school activities and they aren't really allowed to do alot because he is not home with them as much as I think he should be. I can't help but feel responsible for her unhappiness, because my life as a drug addict is what led to them being so far away with a Dad that they have really had little to do with until 2 years ago. My plan for recovery didn't go as I first planned, and what I intended to be a short stay with their Dad, has turned into a 2 yr stay. I feel like I have let them down, because instead of getting help when they left, my addiction hit its all time high, I got so much worse instead of going to rehab to get help. I know they have every right to be angry and hurt with me for all the h*ll? they have been thru with me and my "problem". Now what really hurts me so much is that I'm finally doing what I should have done 2 yrs ago, I'm in an outpatient treatment, I'm saving all the money I can get my hands on (taxes, and doing some house cleaning for people). I'M 90 DAYS CLEAN.. thats a milestone to me. I should be proud of myself but I feel so much regret for hurting my children all these years and not being able to be with them now when they need me the most. I know that I'm working on myself, and I have to do this before I can be there for them, but I've got a 14 yr old that is hating life, and talking about doing stupid stuff if she doesn't get to leave her Daddy's house soon. I feel her pain, and it is breaking my heart. She says she feels like she doesn't have anyone to talk to and I know my ex is not the Dad that I thought he was once. He is very hot headed and demands respect in degrading ways to a child. I can't talk to him about my kids problems there without fighting with him, or without hearing how I caused all this by being a "*f*&#@ing junkie." I don't expect him to be understanding of my problems, but I do expect him to be more loving and concerned with the mental status of my kids. I'm at a loss and feeling really upset with myself for being the cause of all of this. I feel I need to get in touch with my daughters school and find out if there are some couselors available to talk to her. I'm aware that I will have to be open to them about my situation and the possibility that my daughter is having a hard time dealing with the fact that her Mom is a drug addict. I pray for strength and I pray for guidance and comfort for my children. On this 90 day mark..... the only thought that comes to mind,, is "welcome back to reality". Say a prayer for me and mine, I really need all the help from my Higher Power I can manage right now.
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