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i still slip
Posted On 08/12/2008 13:11:04 by jodyB

I would love to talk about my problem with my drug of choice, but it feels very scary... like step 13!  My addiction is Sex. usually what i do for someone.  and this addiction is driving my crazy... and i feel like i am going into the craziness that i have seen in a Drug-Addict's eyes.  Don't have a meeting... Don't have a Sponser...  Sobriety... Well, it has been said to be having sex (all forms of lovemaking and such affection)only with one's mate.  Guess i have not been very sober, as i dance around the outsides of the definition of sobriety in my  longing for my pain to be ended.. any my "needs to be met" in affection and Love, etc.

So... i am having a tuff time.  I sat on the porch the other day... having a smoke.. saying to God... Well, at least i did'nt go all the way.... That's BUL(*&($%% IT!!!  I wwillingly took my eyes off God, and looked for someone else to meet my needs... I looked for kissing and affection to make me feel like i was wanted and OK..)  So OK,, GOD, i lied to myself! 

It is very difficult to so desparately want someone SOMEONE to be here when i feel so Utterly alone in this pain/turmoil!  I believe God is here... but it does not seem that GOD IS Big Enuf.. (or perhaps small enuf to come and wrap me in his arms and let me cry!

I want to submit to you... God... My will is far from you...


jodyB3D Prom Queen

Tags: Addiction Looking For Love



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Viewing 1 - 4 out of 4 Comments

From: jd
08/13/2008 20:24:17

He is big enough.  what do you want???  we all have a choice.  it's called FREE WILL.

and i struggle with it everyday.  today i'm sober, but am still a selfish $^%#. 

i try to do His will.

wishing you peace and surrender.  xo

From: lostsoul73
08/12/2008 19:41:18

No matter how far away from God you feel, He is still there waiting for you.




Love Shannon

From: Cara
08/12/2008 16:05:15

I know, I know how that all feels, the constant search for love in kisses and caresses, the inner certainty that the next one will be the one. Days and nights lost in a blur of fantasy, real relationships and affection shunned as not good enough, not perfect enough.
I am on my way, yes and I stopped trying not to and let Him put alternatives in my heart, I let Him be for me what I could not be for myself.  It works for me, it really works.
But I understood what you said and the language you used.
Whatever I can do - just let me know. Cara

From: Isiah491421
08/12/2008 14:23:42

I admire your courage and honesty. The struggles you describe are difficult struggles...
I am in the process myself of trusting that my Higher Power is enough for me and my needs. I am willing to be patient - I am willing to develop my relationship with myself in the hopes that one day I will have something to SHARE instead of looking for something to TAKE.

Bless you!

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