My name is Lori and I am an addict. I am playing on my computer and searching step 6 for my personal use. In doing so I found this site.
I love this journey I began just over 4 years ago! Even though I have done 4th step work before I have had a different experience working it this week. My defects of step 5 are labelled differently. They include such self justifications that I didn't know I was proctecting myself still.
I began adding some meditation practices. I knew I needed to see my part in any given situation but had difficulty just pinpointing what my part was. I felt myself justifying myself. So I asked the God of my understanding, what part of my character is playing its role in my daily life?
I have always loved that I don't have to use no matter what but I didn't always love it! Just like I don't always love to look at my part that I play but I must if I want to stay in recovery. I can honestly say that I am a bit curious as to my part and am not as afraid to look at it. Like a child with my fingers over my eyes I open my fingers just enough to get a glimpse at where I fit into my own life.
Even though pain caused my fingers to open up and look deeper, it is the God of my understanding that has searched my heart at my request and ripped up the dirty defects that were deeply rooted. I see clearly how they were there all along, rooting themselves deeper in me. If anyone would have told me that these defects were deeply rooted within my heart I would have never stayed in this process! Denying my own part in my life of such hurts and betrayals is what kept me using. Denial is a wonderful thing used by my God for my benefit. But when I take this gift of denial I hide behind it so as not to see the truth about myself.
Onto step 6 I go with new eyes and a new heart. I am willing to risk showing love and respect to myself and others. I am willing to risk peace where I use to expect a battle. Love and peace are my new assets that stemmed from my defects. I will practice them today. I will practice what is my "stuff" and seperate it from anothers "stuff". I will allow another to be guided by there own process. I can do this because I see more clearly.
Associating with only addicts, as I do, we do hurt each other and then accept that growth opportunity. We continue to thank each other for the opportunity for growth.
tolivinclean!
Tags: Addiction
