It feels like forever since I have been here. Things have been really good for me mostly but life does go on in sobriety I noticed and feelings and things come up. I feel like a child learning moment to moment how to react responsibly and with compassion.
I have had a lot of problems with my son over the years. Despite the fact that he made straight A’s all through school, didn’t smoke or drink or do drugs...still doesn't. He was a pathological liar and very violent towards his sister and basically angry at the world. He is 21 and recently dropped out of the NAVY. He basically has dropped out of everything in his life at one time or another and blames the world for his troubles and carries a lot of anger in him that projects in a most scary way. What really troubles me the most...well....2nd most...is that he reminds me of me when I was his age. I felt the world owed me something as my childhood was terrible and I felt anger and resentment and jealousy for people who had families and homes and love...which I did not. I was sweet enough but so filled with silent anger is was visible when I thought it wasn't. I am not sure if one day I just got tired or if at last I actually learned to forgive a little. Maybe I am learing to forgive myself...I'm really not sure. I know I am a long way from being the kind of person I want to be...especially today.
There is more about my son but keeping things in order...last night my daughter and I went to a movie with my step mother, sister-in law, her daughter, and my (step) sister’s daughter. A girls night out. Old feelings came up that I can see more clearly now that I am not drinking to forget. I am grateful for these feelings and feel like I am healing...but I know I have a really really long way to go.
The dramatic experience was that when my daughter and I returned from the movie...the lights were off outside...which I always turn on and the front door was unlocked. My son had come home unannounced after not returning my calls for a couple weeks. There is a lot more to the story but perhaps not as relevant to this present blog. He managed to completely move back into the house in the short time that we were out. We believe he is schizophrenic but he refuses to acknowledge this and therefore will not get help. It's my understanding that this is common of this illness. He is an absolute genius…with SEALS training mind you…so he can be quite scary when he is mad and is capable of being completely “normal” when he wants too. Another common trait of this illness. My first response was to hug him and welcome him home. Almost immediately the anger and paranoia in him came out and my first thought was that I do not have to take abuse from him anymore. I am doing the best I can and have tried so hard for so long to be whatever it was he wanted me to be. I knew that he needed to go if he could not respect me. I truly do not believe he is mentally capable anymore of even looking at the possibility of something being wrong with him. I think the illness is progressing as the years go by.
The drama ended this morning as the last of his things were loaded back into his Jeep. He said he would never be coming back. I feel absolutely horrible and at the same time relieved. I prayed all night and stayed in bed for a few extra hours this morning to pray more. I believe it helped and I believe that God is watching over us. I wish I had prayed prior to our first hug.
In the meantime, I hae tried to think of someone I knew in the program who had adult children and could relate to what I was going through and came up empty-handed. So I thought perhaps if I post this blog someone might have wisdom and support to offer. I would love to hear from you if you are out there.
Sorry to dump all this on you. I guess it needed to come out. My head hurts…I am not focused on my work and I am very sick inside my heart for my son….my sweet little boy with a very big problem.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
Kym
