These days my emotions are still all over the place. I felt good this morning, at the meeting and for a short while afterwards. Suddenly, my well-being took a nose-dive - loving feelings went right out the window. Now I was less than, and everybody hates me and no wonder, seeing as I don't know how to love - can anybody relate?
Just now, in an attempt to shake myself up, I started reading some of my journaling from two years back. I found an amends letter to myself.
16 May 2006
"Dear Angela,
I have to and want to make amends to you. You are a nice person. You are kind and friendly and trusting. Life is also about pain, and you were very hurt and felt let down and betrayed. You often wondered what was wrong with you. What was it about you that made people hate you and not care about you?
With time. you decided you were bad. You were unlovable, ugly, boring and less than. I caused you to think this. I didn't know that I had a disease of the mind called Alcoholism.
I treated you very badly. I didn't feed you properly. I poisoned you with alcohol, drugs and nicotine. I filled your mind with hate, jealousy and lust. I didn't love you and I didn't respect you. I gave you zero-worth. I let you down and I betrayed your trust. I even made you evil. I didn't take you seriously.
I let you live in an unreal world of fantasy. I always made you run and hide. I made you think that if you were someone else, then you could live your life and be happy. I didn't love you or value you.
I am very sorry that I treated you so badly. I'm sorry for all the pain and suffering I put you through. Now I will love you, Angela. I will value you. I will trust you. I will feed you properly and I won't sell your soul anymore.
I am now willing to grow and change. In time, you will see that I'm telling you the truth. I love you Angela. You are lovely the way you are. You are a good, loving and humourous person. You bring light into the world. Thank you for loving me. Angela"
I am grateful for you letting me share this. It's good for me to be reminded of the promises I made to myself.
Peace
Tags: Healing
