Warning: This is a REALLY long blog. You don't have to read it unless you're: A.) really bored or B.) you love to listen to me BI**H =]
So I'm probably going to end up having to completley cut myself off from my oldest brother, which is really sad. It's just that I can't keep putting up with all the sh*t that he's put me through and the way he keeps acting. Just because he gets drunk doesn't mean that I: A.) Want to talk to him at all and B.) want to talk to him at 3:30am.
So here's the whole story:
Late Monday night, he text messages me and asks if he can crash with me (didn't even have the decency to call me, just does it over a text message). Considering that he lives in Denver, I was pretty confused. He said that he was driving down with his friend Rick and Rick's girlfriend. I asked him what was going on, and he said he was coming into town. When I asked him when and how long he was staying, he said he was coming into town Thursday afternoon and was leaving Sunday morning. Considering he gave me three days notice, I wasn't real happy, but I offered to let him stay with me Thursday night. I told him that after Thursday night, he'd have to find somewhere else to stay. He became angry and kept saying that he wasn't going to come and kept guilt tripping me, saying stuff like "Well, family comes first" and "If the roles were reversed, I'd let you stay in a heart beat." He kept pushing and pushing and kept getting me more and more upset. I tried to explain to him that even if he is my brother, I'm not obligated to put him up, especially when he gives me three days notice. Especially because "crashing" for three days isn't crashing; it's free-loading. I told him if it was an emergency, I'd feel different.
Anyway, I told him that I've been under a lot of stress lately, and he asked why. I told him that I've been really struggling with depression lately, since they took me off of my lithium cold turkey, since it interacts with my heart medication. That's when he made the comment "Well, a lot of people have mental illness, but they deal with it." Then he made some comment about "Well, I'm out in Denver and I'm barely keeping my head above water." Umm, okay, you're how old? 30? Yeah. And it was YOUR choice to move to Denver. It wasn't like I woke up one morning and said "Hmm, I think it'd be really fun to be bipolar, I think I'll try it on for size." Then he tried to play it off like "Well, I know you've been depressed, so I thought we could hang out and I could cheer you up." Nice save, except we hadn't talked in about a month, and he had no idea I was depressed until I told him. Told that to his face, and then it turned into the fact that my ex-boyfriend was going to be in town over the weekend and that he needed to "make sure he stayed away from me." First off, Jeff has no idea where I live. Second, he's not near stupid enough to try and contact me or come find me. If he did, I'd call the police, and he'd probably get court-martialed (assuming the Army ended up taking him).
By this point in time, he asks me to just call him. I do, and then he suddenly turns it into a free-for-all. He starts telling me, "You know, did you ever think of how depressed it made me when you didn't talk to me for five years?" I tried to explain to him that I never told him to leave me alone, it was my dad that I wanted to leave me alone. I reminded him that I was 13 years old and had just lost my best friend in a car accident. That, coupled with the letters my dad was sending me, calling my mom this evil bitch, it was just too much for me to handle, which is why I wrote my dad and and kindly asked him not to contact me again. He goes "That's not an excuse for you to not talk to me, family comes first." It's like, I was THIRTEEN YEARS OLD. Don't you dare attack me for my desicions. I did what I had to do to keep myself sane. That was when he apologized for making me upset, he said he was just pissed because all his friends were giving him the same response. I didn't say it, but it's like "Hmm, maybe it means something when all your friends are saying the same thing as me. Maybe, they don't like getting three days notice that you're coming to stay with them for three days." I told him that if he was angry with his friends, that was fine, but that he needed to take it out on them, not me, because I didn't deserve it.
Anyway, I started calling him on his sh*t and then all the sudden it's all "I need to go, I'm at work." Then why the F**k did you tell me to call you? Sorry that you can't own up to your s**t. but don't pull that with me. By the end of the conversation, I was so upset I started having heart palpitations. Even though it was very apparent that I didn't want him staying with me, he kept pushing until he got his way. I told him that he had to buy his own food and could not be at my aparment when I wasn't home and that he had to be home by the time I went to bed. Still, in the back of my head I was wondering why he couldn't stay at the hotel with Rick and his girlfriend.
I talked to my dad the next day, and Dad agreed that he should have given me more than three days notice. He also was like me, wondering why Damen was even coming down here, considering that he only has one friend that even lives here anymore. I guess Dad suggested that Damen not come down, but Damen kept saying that he wanted to see me and stay with me. If that's the case, shouldn't he have given me more than three days notice? What would have happened if I would have been out of town or something, ya know? Dad also said that if he was in a situation like that, and he had the slightest inkling that the person didn't want him staying with them, that he'd find somewhere else to stay.
Anyway, Thursday rolls around, and Damen starts texting me saying he's almost in town. Some of the stuff he was saying sounded kinda rude to me, but seeing as how it was over a text message, it was hard to tell. I called my Dad and told him that I was getting upset because I felt like Damen was copping an attitude. I guess my Dad ended up calling him and basically told him that I'm going through a lot of stuff right now, and then wired my brother money so he could stay at a hotel.
That's when he texts me something about "Thanks for calling and telling dad that I was copping an attitude when I wasn't. But it's whatever, I'm staying at the hotel." I tried to call him to tell him that he could still stay with me on Thursday night, since that was my original offer. He wouldn't pick up his phone. I tried to call two or three more times, but he wouldn't pick up the phone. Finally I texted him and told him "It's a shame you can't be mature and act your age and talk to me like an adult so we can figure something out." Then he said something about "the pot calling the kettle black." Hmm, who's the 30-year-old? He was acting like a 12-year-old that wasn't getting his way. Grow up. Anyway, he ends up texting me to "leave him alone" (funny because I never said anything back to that one), so I did. By this time, I was in tears and was having heart palpitations again.
I called my dad and told him that if Damen tried to contact me, I'd file a TRO with the police department. I got online and deleted him off of Facebook and Myspace, and told my Dad to pass on the message that I did not want Damen in my life anymore. Dad did. I talked to him later that night, and he told me that he told Damen to leave me alone, and Damen said he was "never going to talk to me again" to which I told my dad that I hoped he made good on his promise.
I had spent about three hours crying that night, so by the time I got home, I was exhausted. We were in the middle of some really nasty weather, under a tornado watch until midnight, so I decided to leave my phone on incase the weather got really bad in the middle of the night (I don't have a weather radio, so people just call me to let me know).
About 2:30am, Damen calls me, drunk. I asked him why he was calling me, since he was told to leave me alone, and he kept trying to apologize, except it was a very loaded apology. Like, "I'm sorry...but this is all your fault!!!" Don't waste your breath, that isn't an apology. I kept repeating "Damen, it's 2:30 in the morning. I just fell asleep and I have to be up at 8am. I need to get off the phone." Then he turned it into the fact that I don't really have a mental illness, like he's some authority on mental illness. I garuntee you if I asked him for three symptoms of bipolar disoder, he wouldn't know a single one. He asked how long they think I've had it, and I told him my whole life, but it was triggered when Cassie died, and he goes "That's not true! You were never like this as a kid!" Umm, okay genius, the symptoms are totally different in a child and an adult.
Then it turns, "You know, it's really been bothering me that you didn't talk to me for five years." I repeated my mantra to him, and he goes "Well you never want to talk about this!" I reminded him that it was 2:30 in the morning and he goes "Yeah, well you picked up your phone." Um, BECAUSE YOU WOKE ME UP!!! Anyway, he finally let up and asked if we could hang out tomorrow. I asked what time, and he said he was going to be in KC and didn't know when he'd be home. I told him to call me when he got back in town and he goes "well, you just call me". I told him that if he wanted to hang out, he would call me, and then I got off the phone.
Friday rolls around and I never hear from him. I called him around 7pm and he never called me back.
I spent all of Saturday at the KC zoo, but then like, 3pm, he calls me, wanting to hang out. I told him that I'd call him when I got home. I did, and he made some excuse about being at a party and not having a car. He asked to hang out in the morning, and I told him to call me before he left.
By the time I got home, I was so tired that I just passed out, didn't even turn my phone off. Guess who called me at 3:30am, drunk? Yep! You win! It was him. I kept trying to get off the phone, but he wouldn't shut up. Finally after like, ten minutes, I was able to get off the phone. Surprise, surprise, he never called me this morning, so I don't want to hear him BI**H about how I'm "ignoring him like I did for five years."
Quite honestly, I'm done. He acts like a child and I can't have a mature conversation with him. I'm not sure where it's EVER a good idea to call someone, drunk, at 2:30am when you've been specifically instructed to not ever call them again. I'm also not sure where it's right to push someone you love into a situation they aren't comfortable with, or to make them so upset that they start having heart palpitations. And to me, his comment about my mental illness, I see that the same as telling a rape victim that it's their fault they got raped.
I'm just done. I can't deal with his sh*t anymore, he's putting too much stress on me, and I don't need it. I still can't get over the fact that he keeps calling me at 2 or 3 in the morning like I actually want to talk to him, drunk or not. So the next time he calls me, I'm doing to remind him that I asked him not to call me, and that if he continues to call me in the wee hours of the morning, especially when he's drunk, that I WILL get a TRO. I don't care if he is my brother, I can't deal with his sh*t and mine at the same time. When he starts acting like a mature 30-year-old, that's when I start having a relationship with him.
Anyway, sorry this was so long, I'm not expecting any of you to actually read this, I just needed to get it off my chest.
Tags: Angry Hurt Stressed Upset Sad
