"When we were using, reality became so painful that oblivion was preferable....We isolated ourselves, and lived in prisons that we built with loneliness." Basic Text, p 19
This is not only true of when I first began coming to meetings, but of my life the last few years. When using became not an option after the trouble I got into with Tabitha and I lost custody of my daughter, I began to use dissociation and escaping into fantasy to distance myself from my feelings. Detachment was the only way I could handle the pain of not being with Ahyoka.
Then this spring I began thawing out. I didn't want to at first, I wanted to stay dissociated. But then I saw Brent, and he hugged me with one of those hugs that goes all the way to your bones...and I was grounded whether I wanted to be or not. He and Barbara are the only ones I know that can ground me that way. Now I am actively choosing to ground myself through grounding exercises, and doing my best to live in reality.
Things have been hard lately. I thought Bonnie was really my friend, and to realize that she is just using me is painful. But the parallels between her and my family of origin are too many for me to ignore. Barbara keeps saying that I have crossed the bridge, and they are still waiting on the other side. I cant make Bonnie choose to live healthy, and I can't be around her much because I get sucked right back into co-dependent, caretaking behavior whenever I am.
It is not my job to be the buffer between her and her roommate. But when I am there, I fall back into that role all the time. And the accusations against me hurt so much that I cannot be near them. And what hurts the most is that Bonnie seemed to believe them at first, and appears to have done nothing to defend me. That is a very old pain, and I am triggered whenever I am around them. A part of me is thankful she hasn't called.
Well, this is turning out to be a combination post, oh well. I hurt my back the other day when I was moving furniture, and then last night I slipped coming out of the bathroom and wrenched my back again. I've spent the day on and off the heating pad, and have been in a fair amount of pain. I took Naprosyn this morning and again tonight. It is feeling a bit better...we'll see how things go tomorrow.
