I like this site already. I actually journal again, which I had completely stopped doing for a year. Not sure why but I know I did better when I wrote about stuff and didn't keep everything in.
I am doing okay. I have been feeling kind of down lately though. I always feel alone even in a room of friends. If an outsider looked at my life, they probably would say I seem to have it all. I have a great and loving family, supportive friends, am a premed/ medicinal chemistry major with a perfect GPA... yet I am still not happy. If you have any advice, I am more than willing to listen. I don't know what it is that I am missing. I just know that I need to find it to completely overcome and free myself from this cycle of bulimia.
My friends save me from myself this weekend. I honestly don't know what I would do without them. Friday two of my closest friends from grade school came up to my apartment (about an hour and half from our hometown) to visit for the weekend. The reason behind the visit was that Saturday was the 3 year anniversary of my best friend's fatal car accident. Tiffany and I met in grade school at the age of 10. We were inseparable until her passing July 12, 2005 at 18. I can still remember the exact moment my mom told me the news and my reaction. She had been driving too fast in the rain on a road a few miles from where we both lived and at a curve, she went over the line and hit a truck. She was killed instantly, which is comforting I guess... I get so sick just thinking about it. She was 18 yrs old. We were supposed to go to college together. She never got the chance to really live. And here I am, wasting my years on purging.. I feel horrible.
If I hadn't been surrounded by friends this weekend, I would have locked myself in my room and completely given into my eating disorder so I wouldn't have to think about Tiffany... or cry. I don't know why I don't like crying... but I just don't. However, I didn't binge or purge once this weekend :) I did drink though, so I am trading one addiction for another.
My family surprised me too by coming up yesterday. Very nice surprise. I got so depressed when everyone had to leave though. And that depression seems to continue.
I don't sleep well and it is starting to get to me. I have been thinking a lot lately and I wish I had faith in something again. I grew up attending catholic schools but after my friend's death, my mom's stage III breast cancer diagnosis, and so many other events of the past five yrs I keep doubting it. I think i need God though. He has to exist, right?
