im sitting here. my dog is snoring. its thunderstorming outside. the weather is humbling. it reminds me how small i am. how powerless we all are. i have no reason for writing today other than for myself. i need to get somethings out on paper that have been sturring in my mind for a while. medicen is needed for me. my mind doesn't have the right chemical balances. uppers in the morning and downers at night. its a frustrating cycle. it can be really tiring but its much needed. i know with out them suicide is close and moring feels like lifetimes away. none the less it can be tiresome knowing you can't trust your own mind and knowing that without the pills it won't function properly. ive had a hard time turning my mind off lately. in one sense my life has made a complete 180. im not hurting myself any more nore am i popping pills. i am happy during the day for the most part and ive lost weight im getting into shape. things have been great. but on the other hand night time always comes and with it brings the terrors of a broken past. i wonder when that past will mean nothing but glory to God. i think thats going to be a while....
im getting ready to work wapred tour with To Write Love On Her Arms. it will be a great time and there will be many there wanted to tell stories that are just like mine. we are there to tell them they aren't alone. to tell them there is hope. good music and good conversation will be all around me. i know it will make for a wonderful day. im looking forward to it. my days seem to be running together a lot lately. as im writing i hope the undertow of this is not one of depression. im not depressed. at least i don't think i am. im just restless sitting here.
im pretty sure im falling for someone.. someone i can't have. at least not in the long run. we have half a year togeether. its going to be a reallly great time. but in the end he will leave and i will be here wondering if love is something i preach about or really believe. it takes a lot to ask these questions. its scarey to hear them in your mind but to see them out infront of you is a different story.
i guess what im left with is hope. its what gets us through. its the only answer i know to be true. i also know i have a Father who will be with me when im asking these questions. new days bring new answers and a new hope. a new start.
wake up, your alive, we're on your side
