I went to a meeting today. I was having a really hard time, because it was a large meeting and I knew very few people there. I was drawing so that I could stay grounded, and someone sat down next to me. I remember him, although I don't remember his name, so he's someone who has been around for awhile. He took my pencil away and told me to pay attention, so I told him that I would be glad to put my pencil down, but that then I wouldn't hear much of the meeting because I would dissociate. He finally gave it back.
The meeting itself was pretty good, it was on patience and I was able to hear most of it, I only dissociated a couple of times and was able to pull myself back pretty easily. The difficulty came at the end of the meeting. I was surrounded by all these people and felt so alone. I was afraid to go up to any of the women because I didn't know them, and felt like they would judge me.
I was just sitting there smoking, trying to figure out someone to ask for a ride home, because it was so hot, and I didn't want to get stuck waiting for another hour for the bus, when I heard someone talk about going to eat near 41st and Peoria, which would save me over an hour on my trip home, and I recognized him too, so I went and asked him if I could get a ride as far as 41st and Peoria, and that's when he told me David was driving. I breathed an internal sigh of relief, because I've known David for a really long time, and know that he is safe. Then a woman came up who I've seen once or twice since I returned to meetings, who was trying to get directions to wherever they were going, and then Christian asked her to give me a ride instead and popped off something about "sticking with the women".
Now, I do understand the concept, but I've only met this woman twice, and didn't know if she was safe, where I knew for sure David was. It worked out, I ended up getting a ride all the way home, but it really pissed me off. That guy doesn't even know me, or my motives. Safety is a really big issue for me and it's really hard for me to ask for rides anyways. I don't mean to not stick with the women, it was just that the only people who I knew at this meeting were men, because all the old-timers who were women seem to have disappeared somewhere. I talked to Barbara about it tonight, and she said I need to work on boundaries, and if it happens again that i can just give them her phone number if they have a problem with me.
And I'm still missing Pepe. I want my big brother back.
