I wanted to share this story about what happened to me over the weekend.
On Friday after a rather testing week, and my husband treating me like sh!t I was feeling pretty low. He stormed out of the house and left me in tears on Friday teatime.
So, I called a friend, she is quite a lot younger than me and knows nothing of my recovery but I just wanted a chat. Anyway over she comes to my house and persuades me to get washed, changed and hit the town with her.
I think to myself, 'yeah why not', and all the usual garbage like 'why should I sit here alone', and 'Im not going to be treated this way, this will show you I am not a doormat'.
I get ready, and go with her, along the way giving to a few drinks. I was suddenly in a crowded bar, young girls all around dancing and lads chatting them up, drink flowing, my mate carrying on like an idiot. And it hit me, like a sledgehammer.
'What the hell exactly are you doing?'
I could almost see myself from above, it was very strange. I did all this crap years ago, I dont want to be boozing in a meat market full of idiots. I want to be homely, I want my pets, I want my hobbies, I want ME.
I want the person I am beginning to turn into.
Luckily I got myself out of there quick sharp before too much damage was done, yes it was a relapse but it taught me a hell of a lesson, and strangely I am not beating myself up for this one, it was almost sent for me.
You see, I am very easily led by my circumstances and those around me, I am an approval seeker and if I dont get it I treat myself badly.
This is a pattern, and I have only just seen it in its full glory! Because I had been treated badly I was beating myself up, and because my friend wanted to hit the town, I allowed myself to be persuaded by her to do something I didnt really want to do.
Those days are gone for me, I dont want them to ever come back, I am working on being the person I could be without alcohol and I am grateful to god for the lesson he has just taught me.
Thanks for listening.
