Best thing I have ever done for myself is to put both hands on the edge of my desk and push myself away from the computer. As of today, I managed to meet one of my goals by cramming a 16 week GED preperation course down to 9. Well... Technically 8, as I got the referal to take the official test last week (the instructor was vacationing in Mexico for a couple of weeks before that), and finished taking the remaining tests earlier tonight.
I hope that working my butt has paid off, because now I get to sit on my fat, sasquatchian arse and get stuck in my head (which I'm already beginning to) for the next two weeks waiting in anticipation for the test results. With any luck, I won't start a new habit and chew my fingernails right down to the cuticle. Yay...
It's a strange feeling to me now that I've had a chance to come down from this focalized energy enough to contemplate these past couple of months to examine typical, albeit self-defeating, behaviors of mine.
Who knows what I was thinking... Short of minimizing the fact that I never learned algebra or geometry when I was attending school. Worse still, I'd find ways of downplaying, even sabotaging the accomplishments I've made after the novelty has worn off. Was trying to cram more than 20 years worth of a formal education into a few short weeks a smart idea? I'm still berating myself for the possibility of failure. And if I failed anything, it would undoubtedly be the math.
Under some typical circumstances, I decided to quit smoking via cold turkey; except I was continuiously contemplating of making up any excuse that 'sounded good' or 'believable' to start up again. Days later, I was one of 15 accepted right away into the prep-classes, out of nearly 60 who tested; and within a couple of days, I was looking for some fluke as to how I managed to get in. Despite the work I put into preperation to take an ATB (Ability to Benefit) test for one of the colleges I was checking out, because I didn't have my GED as of yet; not only did I find myself becoming overly emotional in my surprise - yet disbelief for passing, I later found myself looking for fault as to how I passed. Once I received my referal to take the GED, before everyone else in the class; I put more emphasis on "sucking at math" and began to lose confidence. When I took a couple of the official tests the night before (after having barely slept last night due to persistant dreams involving arithmetic and test taking), I was being encouraging and supportive to my fellow classmates; all the while reinforcing my belief of failing the test when the time came for me to take it. During the actual test, the internal doubt was raging within, despite how physically and emotionally calm I was.
All this-- despite the support and encouragment from everyone around me...even their confidence in my ability and determination to work toward something I really wanted.
Maybe I really am afraid of success. ...*sigh*...
It's strange.......... All this time and what I have considered to be 'progress' I've made, seems to manifesting itself in other ways. Not surprising really, as my work on the Steps has been put on the back burner while I try working on other neglected things in my life. The irony is that despite my addictive relationship with the computer, something I've been trying to limit to an insignificant hobby, has been the means to afford me to meet this part of my goal.
