i am quick to give encouragement... and hugs...
i love to help others...
i feel so alone, (I know i am Not Alone) but i feel so alone...
a fw of you talked about loosing members of Recovery to their pain.
I have been sliding down the slippery slide of dispair. My obsessions come on strong....
it wasn't too bad yesterday, doing the paper routes... i Did not call the guy i have fallen into ... But i did bring him a white flower and posted a note "I SURRENDER" and left it on his door.
wow,,,,, i just poured my heart and pain out.. and then i guess in trying to find some poems of pictures on the web.. i lost it alll
couldn't get my radio to work cuz batteries were dead...(I use it while i do my paper routes and usually play Christain Contemporary songs./..) I just sang some songs softly while walki9ng.
I soooo Wanted to "go AWAY". i thought about going to psych hospital... especially the group home for short term emergency recovery. I thot the ER people would just tell me to go home... after all, i have been here before, and i will be here again...
Thing is... there is Much going on in my life... About a week ago was the 3 anniversary of my BEST FREIND"S Death to Prostate Cancer. Also, my pastor is setting up therapy with intensive INNER HEALING.;.. This will go Deep, into the Dark pain of my life, my past as a child, and my acting out as an adult.
i am scared! Sometimes going into the "incest" or purported incest/molestation by my father...is too much for me to take. So many times i have drawn pictures, written poems-0- but i cannot accept that. And all thru my life, when someone hurts me... i want to hurt myself more.
Bobbie yells or hits at me.... I want to get rid of the pain...(hot water enema)
and that is nothing compared to the deep pain in my life...
there is sexual abuse in/or to each of my siblings. My oldest brother to my youngest.. My older brother with me... One brother was obsessed with young girls...eventually went to prison.... another brother is very attracted to young boys.
One brother, i love/i hate... killed himself 9 yrs ago.
Several yrs ago, in my anger and pain... i got into my warm running car and shut the garage door... I did this "AT" my husband.... He found me in time...
Yesterday i wanted the pain to go away... I wanted to "GO AWAY" I took about 5 or 6 pain pills inserted rectally. nothing happend... i did not go to sleep.. i did not get high... i did not "GO aWAY".
BUT i guess God had other plans... Last night... my hubby took me out on a date! to see a Chick Flick.. and then to DQ! for ice cream treat.....
SELF PORTRAIT
I’m an addict
“everyone’s addicted
To something”
You say
Yes But I’m an addict
And my addiction
Is not drugs
Nor food or booze
It’s a feeling
I’m addicted to
A Rush
Intensity
A Fear
Remember
the very first
Day of school
The popcorn excitement
Like kernels eager to Pop.
The haunting
Anticipation
Of a first touch
Your palms wet
With fear as
Your hands shake
Do you recall?
Hear the drum roll
of your heart
the Finale
as you look up
you find the Object
of your dreams
gazing at you
and your heart beats
inside your ears
and your heart drums
inside your mouth
and your heart leaps
from your eyes
as you swim in
the depths
of his eyes.
I’m addicted
To the Rush
I’m addicted
To the Fear
I’m addicted
To the feeling
That renews itself
In another’s face
© jodyB
PAIN
I know pain
I know pain as my friend
and clutch him close
unable or willing to release him
or he, it seems, me.
I ponder the need
for such self-inflicting
pain as he,
he must be security
a Blanket of relief
from my own scrutiny
the angers of my conscience
yet unearthed.
I know pain
and have bedded him
but the time may come
when I no longer have
need of him
and pass him by
a shoe outgrown
and move on to Life
and move on
to LIVE.
© jody
1986
