May 11, 2008
ALONE
I just wrote a Blog on myrecover site…. It was very painful… I cannot find it… I was searching for too many items to put into the blog website. Items that I needed to get from various other locations…
Oh well, I will try to recover it from memory
Lately I have seen messages of pain about loosing members of Recovery to suicide.
I understand. I am one to quickly give encouragement. To offer hugs…
But the pain inside is deep. And the struggle is even deeper
I am thinking the reason for this recent pain and addictive/obsessive struggle is to do with my upcoming therapy. I begin therapy for Inner Healing this week. I am Scared… Scared to Death! Many times I have gone there before… and wanted to DIE!!! Cannot take the pain. How can I function… how can I live my life???
Pain from my childhood/… from possible/probably molestations… and then from my acting out as an adult. I suffer from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)… look it up…
I sketched pictures years ago, and wrote poems I don’t really believe…
Yesterday… I went on my paper route… I did not succumb to the inclination to see “him” nor did I call him. but I did pick some white flowers and wrote a note “I Surrender”. I left these on his door.
There has been sexual abuse by or to each of my siblings. My oldest brother to my youngest brother… my other brother to me. This brother was obsessed, it seemed, with young girls… he even went to prison for that kind of stuff. ANGER AND PAIN ARE INTENSE>>> he could nto deal with his own pain and about 9 yrs ago he committed suicide… My youngest brother found him!
So many times I have thought about “Going Away” About 5 yrs ago early January I was so very angry and in so much pain that I got into my warm running car and shut the garage door. I just want to rest to GO AWAY for a little while. I did this AT my husband… cuz he had been raging at me… and I was scared of him… He found me, and called 911. was nto time for me to “GO AWAY” i want out… I want out
I am scared to go THERE… to see all the pain I have caused… and all that was done to me…. I WANT OUT.
Still I know… the only way to end(YEAH RIGHT?!) the pain is to go thru it… HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TRIED THAT… ;cannot keep jobs…
bebo norman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Te0hy2YcLgg&feature=related
