When I start feeling guilty for helping, I feel I am working their program, not mine. Yes, definitely codependecy issues!

The worse feeling is knowing when NOT to help someone else financially.

I welcomed the advise from a meeting yesterday. One shared that it is NOT unusual for those in AA to attend Al-Anon. We are dealing with others (friends, spouses, significant others) that are alcoholic and Al-Anon can assist in the those issues of the codependent-savior in us.

On another note: When bad things continuously happen to someone. It's in their Belief system. Someone who says "can't" (as in "I can't do this") are leading themselves to failure. Your friend has found a belief that if she has problems someone else will fix them. She has become "good and kind" in hopes that other will be there for her when she fails.

Yep, people can end up being a lure for every bad thing that happens. And they in turn attract people who want to help. Whether the attraction is intentional or not, often in attempting to help you are harming them in the long run. They can become depedent rather quickly.
    A desire to help others is a very good thing, but one must gauge the level of help responsibly. Billy said it well, cleaning house allows one to see much clearer.
     I know that I can tell when something was right - it feels right. If it doesn't feel right, you need to look into the circumstances further or for a different avenue to help..

Take care,
Dennis

I used to be a very good "victom" too. my friends in recovery tell me when I am doing this too. (This is why I love them) they point out my responsibility in the bad things that used to happen to me, by doing this I learned how to change my actions. I didn't always want to here what they had to say, but when I thought about it they wew right. Now bad things don't always happen to me. Now I still make mistakes but I have learned how to not let them happen again, by taking responsibility for my own actions I learn to change to self destructive things I do. And recognize when I am doing them.
This helped me more than them getting me out of the trouble I kept getting myself into.
Now I serenity prayer anything that is bothering me and I ask my sponsor for help when I am not sure.
I hope this helps you.
Hollie S.

i agree with all below. if my inner gut feeling is telling me something there might be some substance to it, and i might want to investigate that. helping or being of service is one thing, but when dealing with someone who's allways the victim, we can ill afford to continue to allow thm the ease and comfort of allways being the victim. we tend to do more harm than good in the long run.
the steps can help to lift that cloud of confusion that alot of us were in { at least i know i was}. and showing us a way to find strength and direction in those times when the path doesn't seem so clear. i'm glad your here and i'm very happy you decided to share.

billy

I appreciate your sharing!  It is not always easy to know how much to help or the best way to help, but as we work the steps (which is what you just did by sharing) you will gain greater knowledge and understanding, and you will see more clearly!  From my perspective (and I'm sure you know what opinions are, just opinions,) you need to live within your budget and pray about how to best help your friend.  God bless!

jd had good advice. Work the steps and get rid of your character defects and do a cleaning of the mind. See what happens from there.....

if something feels uneasy, there's a reason.  whether it be you or someone else.

you're familiar w/ the 12 steps?  i'm sure working it will bring about peace of mind.  where to start?  i'm not sure either.  start at 1 and work your way up.

have faith.  i appreciate you coming here to share.