I grew up in a place that is unusual to some. My world was pretty much like all the things that they might describe in the 60's. There are no rules but then sometimes rules made up of their own. I don't group myself in with them since I grew up in it and didn't necessarily want to be a part of it all the time. The ideas about life in general...I kept what I wanted or felt was true. I test everything because there are so many truths. I was aware fo them because we were allowed the opportunities to believe as we all wished.
The ideas were all open, free spirited and what we chose. However, I also grew up with the ideals of my father who had the rules of a biker. Some of which were honorable...such as not infringing on what they considered property. He had some "hates" and free spirited notions on hate which I did not pick up and often opposed. In my world it is ok to do that. You can think what you want so there really are no consequences. I am grateful for the free exchange of ideas.
It is difficult for me to be Lds sometimes and at first. I am from free thinking being thrust into a "way of living" a "higher law" so to speak. I am grateful that the church is uplifting and tapped into the spirit with a place for checks and balances. It is the best church I have ever come across and I regret not doing it sooner. I always knew I came from somewhere else and that this is a shell and I belonged was elsewhere. I just tap into something that I don't remember but what I'd love to.
I know that sounds weird.
Anyway, one of the things I struggle with is staying to myself. Not the degree and severity of my husband. I was ok when I was married. I think that I am in a place so awful that I might not marry again. A lot of me doesn't have a problem with that. Some of me does. I am pretty much in control of myself but I think I have stronger desires in myself than most. I won't talk about who abused me, but I was abused growing up and it was made out to be "normal" as a part of the whole free love experience. It isn't so free when you feel obligated to do stuff. I was sexually active from a very young age, younger than most and even though I despise this and am good about keeping to myself I struggle with confusion. I have feelings of obligation to people who care for me, yet don't love me in that fashion. This is something I am struggling with now. I have to examine almost everything I do. I know that these things are not normal and that my life has been ruined by this abuse. I do what I can to overcome it. My husband pretty much enslaved me in that fashion and now I am out here on my own not enslaved to anything. Though this is a great relief to me since he was very violent...I find myself in a place that is uncomfortable in ways I can't understand.
I am in a place of celebacy. It's something that will be a part of my life for some time to come. I have truly embraced my religion but I also know I have to keep myself clean in all senses. I am ok with this but my body isn't. It is used to being used up and I am not sure what to think. I pulled my TV and I try to do everything recommended to keep my head on straight. I don't want to marry again because I have a bad habit of choosing bad men even though I try to avoid all the awful things I grew up with. I was so sure that my husband was more a victem of his life than the agressor, he fooled me so badly and that kind of betrayal is hard to overcome. He always said he'd never hurt me or our children until he did. What's worse he past it off as normal which really messes with my head. I wonder how many "normal" people I can run into in a lifetime or suffering. I guess I just want to vent on hard that can be sometimes.
~Ruby
Tags: Reflective
