Sweetie, I relate so well to what you're saying here. Especially about your kids. Mine needed me... Even though I tried to be there for them as best I could, I wasn't 'there' the way they needed. I was so lost in depression, guilt, shame and frustration (i.e. I gave up on me) that I did the worst thing ever...abandon them emotionally and neglected them as I lost my ability to cope.

My sons are gone now, and there is nothing I can do make amends to them - at least not at this point in time, but I pray God will one day give me that chance in this life. I'm thankful to God that my daughter is too old to be in the system any longer and have been working on bettering my relationship with her, but I have yet to make any real amends. A lot of damage was done that I can't take back.

As painful as it is for me to write, I want you to know the only way you'll find healing in recovery is to do it for yourself. Not your kids or anyone else. But for you, yourself... When I still had my kids, I did reach out for help. Even begged for it. Only at the time, even though I was willing, I wasn't ready to be open muchless get honest with myself.

I pray that you find courage -the honesty, openness and willingness, and discover within you what I've been slowly coming to accept about myself: you are a good person, worthy of loving and being loved. Fear is a hard thing to overcome, but once you face the shadow in the dark, you'll start to wonder what you were so afraid of. The people who have hurt us no longer can, and those that do can only hurt us because we give them the power.

I'll keep praying for you... 

It is this way for many of us. Hiding from myself, turning off everything. No love, no hate, no care, no feeling. Nothing.  Every time I tried over many years, I seemed to just feel worse. For whatever reason this time I listened to all those people in the meetings and learned.

     I've learned that I am a good person, I don't have to hate myself, I can be sober and be happy being sober. I learned about a God that cares about me - even when I don't. I learned that there are others just like me that can help me when I need it. I also learned that to keep this state of being requires me to work at it every  day.

     Compared to many others, I've just begun this journey. But I believe it is worth the walk. I don't know what the future holds for me, either. But by the grace of God, I won't have to drink over it.

     Please take heart, Ruby. As long as you are doing the best you can, one can ask no more. We are always our own worst critics. I believe it is important that you stick it out for you.

Take care,

Dennis

Ruby -  You wrote what is in _my_ heart.  I am new to this forum and new to the concept of sobriety.  I'm just coming to terms with the enormity of my problem, justifying my everyday use, not being there for my kids when I drink.   I never used to drink.  Now I can't seem to stop.  After striving to keep it all together, for years and years, through my S/O's depresssion, joblessness, emotional instability, raising my kids virtually alone, I wanted to disconnect and I found a way to do it.  Unfortunately, the "cure" to my problem has become the biggest problem I have.  I think I'm ready to look at myself.  Why I'm running away, what I'm running from, but I don't know if I can stay sober.  I don't know if I want to.  I don't know that I am that brave.  I think I am mostly angry at myself.  I let others dictate my boundaries, dictate my life, take me for granted, then treat me like s*@#.  I don't know how to take care of myself.  I take care of myself with a bottle. - Kimberlyn