After my attempt togoto a meeting monday, i was really disappointed. I knew that i should really try to make it to another meeting.. really it was the least i could do.. you know why?
I have been feeling stubborn, hopeless, and not caring some of the time. Ireally cant explain this condradicatory phenomenon i feel. I always felt that way.. one part of me knew the right thing to do.. tried to be honest, tried to make an attempt to change.. or had the desire to change.. but part of me didnt want to and didnt care at all.
Anyway, I made it to my first meeting yesterday. I was nervous.. and i was scared.. and as soon as i sat down i started crying through the whole meeting. Im telling myself.. listen i know you're an addicted but im feeling so ashamed..i know i shouldnt be.. but i dunno, i do. I also know that if i was to work this program right i would get rid of all the negative feelings.. but there is is always a but. Always.
I am tryingto stay open minded, honest, and patient.. which i know are key parts of recovery. I just hope that understanding the addiction and myself and everything else will come..despite of the stubborness, and this urge to mess myself up.
Part of me thinks it's a cry for help.. but reality is. it doesnt matter.. because with this .. i know only i can change. It's truly frustrating to me..
I am struggling with the whole idea that it is my choice..That its my decision and nobody else.. that just sucks..i just wishy somebody could just pick me up and take care of me. If i am so sick.. and i blieve that i am.. how could i possibly do that.. make that decision.. its so hard
Anyway, despite all the ifs and butts. Despite all of the skeptism, and thinking i cant do it.. im doingsomething. I am going to go to another meeting on sat.
I want to figure it out.. i want to figure out myself. I want to love myself.. but i dont ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just dont see how ti's possible.
